


an illusion of control

by statuscrows



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Mind Control, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-08-19 22:30:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8226887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/statuscrows/pseuds/statuscrows
Summary: Circumstances change. Killua adapts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [可控错觉](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10336814) by [Definro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Definro/pseuds/Definro)



The idea has been sitting in the back of Illumi's mind for a while now but it isn't until two months after he'd told Killua that he'd leave him and Alluka be that the feels like the time is right.

Having separated himself from Gon, Killua has spent most of his time in the passing weeks moving from town to town trying to avoid Illumi's attention. The fact that he didn't trust Illumi to stay true to his word and avoid them would be a little insulting if he hadn't been tracking them on and off during their time apart. What makes the day that Illumi decides he needs to act different from the previous days he's been following them is that Killua's phone rings and, rather than answering it, he mutes it with a sad smile and goes back to eating dinner with Alluka.

As perceptive as Killua typically is he doesn't notice that Alluka is paying attention to the moment.  But Illumi sees it from where he's sitting on the opposite side of the diner. He sees her face drop and then her smile return just as quickly, big and unnatural when Killua looks up at her. Illumi can tell that for the rest of the evening she's only pretending to happy and upbeat the way she normally is. She's probably assumed, like Illumi has, that the phone call was from Gon, and that he was ignoring it because he didn't want to distract himself from looking after her.

Later, when the two of them are walking back to their hotel room, Alluka asks him if he meant it when he said that they'd be together forever.

"Of course I did. I promised didn't I?" Killua says, squeezing her hand. Alluka squeezes it back but even Illumi can tell her smile is forced.

 

Small and delicate as the moment is, it's leverage for someone like Illumi, and all that he needs to pry open a chasm.

***

 

 _You're holding Killua back by being around him_ Illumi tells the needle. Two blocks down he can vaguely sense Killua and Alluka's presence heading in his direction, their pace quicker than he'd prefer. He stays still in the crowd, concealing his own presence as best he can while inflicting intent into the needle _If it weren't for you he'd be with his best friend. He hates you. Why wouldn't he? You need to leave him. You need to go home._

Neither Alluka nor Killua recognize him as they pass him in the crowd. Not only does Killua seem distracted by his attempt to playfully chase after Alluka but Illumi is wearing the face of an older man and the street is very crowded. With little effort he bumps into Alluka, letting the needle slide painlessly through the skin of her temple. She doesn't react. Her eyes are still focused back on Killua as she leads the two of them through the crowd and Illumi leaves the two of them, waiting for his needle to do its job.

The needle's work is powerful enough that in the few hours after it goes in there's a slow but noticeable drop in Alluka's mood. While she's still smiling, still joking with Killua and trying to look happy it's easy to see that there something bothering her. Illumi listens as Killua questions her, asking if she feels alright. She protests that she is but in the middle of dinner she asks Killua if they can head back to the hotel and they leave.

 ***

 

It goes on like this in every one of their interactions. Alluka is preoccupied and unsure in a way that Illumi has never seen her. It's weird how well a thing like her can mimic complicated human emotions.

 ***

 

Three days later Illumi watches Alluka step out onto the balcony of her and Killua's hotel. It's past midnight so it's possible that Killua is actually asleep and Alluka moves quietly, sitting down on the concrete. While Illumi watches from the roof of the hotel across from her Alluka pulls a cell phone out of her pink pajama pants.

Ilumi waits patiently as his phone rings, watching Alluka's small look of discomfort morph into mild panic before he answers on the last ring.

"This is Illumi."

"Illu-nii," Alluka says quietly, staring down at the road beneath her.

"Ah, Alluka," Illumi says. "What a surprise."

"I know." She sounds on the verge of crying but she keeps her voice quiet. "I wanted to ask for a favor if you're still following me and Killua-Oniichan."

"I might be. What do you need?"

"Could you," she turns back to stare in the hotel room. Illumi can hear her swallow over the phone. "Could you take me home please?"

Illumi counts to five in his head and then answers. "Of course Alluka. You should be with the rest of the family."

"Really?" Alluka says, her voice brightening slightly.

"Yes," Illumi says. "But I have a condition."

 

 

"Illumi," Nanika says. "Gimme your left hand."

Illumi looks down at a pair of large blue eyes and thinks. Getting Alluka out of her room hadn't been difficult. _Killua-Oniichan hasn't been sleeping well,_ Alluka had explained to him over the phone, but he had been sleeping deeply when he actually did sleep. The larger problem for the evening was figuring out how to fulfill Nanika's requests.

"Did you want me to cut my hand off and give it to you or will holding your hand be good enough?" Nanika continues to hold out her hand patiently and Illumi figures he might as well try the less permanent option first. He takes her right hand with his left.

"Illumi, give me your right hand."

"Oh good, that's pretty easy then." Illumi takes her other hand.

"Illumi, pick me up."

By the time he's put Nanika down her eyes are black. He notices that she isn't smiling like she usually is.

“I want you to go home,” he says. “But once you get there you can't ever leave. Even if Killua tells you to."

Nanika's dark eyes turn downwards for a moment and then she nods. “Okay.”

***

 

Illumi doesn't catch his expression but he feels the rush of fear that leaves Killua when he wakes up alone in his hotel room. The feeling of it is warm and comforting to Illumi and he lets himself bask in its familiarity. There isn't much Killua can at this point after all so his fear is very much warranted. 

 

 

Though he must know that there's only one person who knows where Alluka is, Killua is stubborn and for days he overturns nearly every inch of the town looking for her in a panicked rage. He picks a few fights, pays off a few different people only to get false leads and calls half of his contact list asking if they've seen Alluka. He knows it's futile and it's doing nothing to get him back to Alluka. He just doesn't want to face the truth.

Eventually Illumi sees his resistance give way and on the evening of the fourth day Killua takes out his phone. Before he even starts dialing Illumi knows he's won.

After the first ring Illumi stops concealing his aura and drops down from the rooftop he was sitting on, cell phone in hand. Killua looks at him with no small amount of bloodlust in his aura, his ringing phone still pressed to his ear.

"Of course it was you," Killua says. He hangs up, shattering the phone's screen. Illumi doesn't bother answering him. “Where is she?”

“Home safe.” He leaves the _where you should be_ unsaid. “I'll be heading back myself soon to check on things. You can call Tsubone if you don't believe me - "

"No way. I'm going to see her myself."

 "Are you sure Killu?" Illumi asks. "Alluka won't exactly be in any danger."

"You can stop it already. You've won okay? I'm going home."

For all that people insist on telling him otherwise, Illumi has always thought that he was a very expressive person and it's with a moment of internal struggle that he keeps his reaction down to a small smile and a pat on Killua's head.

"Of course I win. Come on, our ride is waiting outside town."

 

Killua doesn't bother going back to his hotel room to pack anything. Milluki had told him years earlier that when he left home for the first time he'd had nothing with him. If he's coming back the same way it's almost like he was never gone at all.

 

Barely an hour has passed by the time they find their ride and though Killua lets him lead the two of them away from town he doesn't look at Illumi during the walk. It's been years since he's ridden in a car with Killua - really done anything apart from offering him vague threats so the sudden loss of violent intent between them, or at least reciprocated violent intent, is new and strange. Killua takes the seat across from him in the limo and turns on his side so he isn't looking at Illumi. It's a cute, if very childish gesture. Since he's already won Illumi doesn't mind allowing it.

From having followed him and Alluka around for months he knows that Killua has barely gotten any sleep in the past several weeks. In between travelling with their sister, standing guard, and the days spent searching the town for her he must be nearing his breaking point. Given their background it takes a lot to get there but contrary to the personas they try to convey the Zoldyck family is still human and occasionally fallible. And when put under long-term sustained stress they can still make mistakes.

That fact becomes obvious when, even though Illumi is openly watching him, Killua slowly falls asleep, sitting up in his seat. He's still incredibly tense, arms crossed over his chest and eyebrows drawn down but after about an hour Illumi sees his body start to slide slowly backwards as his body relaxes a bit.

Illumi is behind him instantly, careful not to move the seat or touch Killua and instead he lets him fall backwards until his head hits Illumi's chest. Though he seems deep in his sleep one of his eyes opens at the gentle contact. He blinks when he sees Illumi and then closes his eyes again.

The peaceful moment lasts for about a fourth of a second before Killua eyes snap open, and then he's moving over to Illumi's abandoned seat. He doesn't go back to sleep after that, choosing instead to glare either at him or the road outside the window like its wronged him somehow.

When they leave the car their driver is smart enough not to look Illumi in the eyes.

 

It's early enough in the morning that there aren't any tourist around when the two of them arrive. Killua shoves open the Testing Gate himself, ignoring Zebro's polite "welcome home, Killua-sama" as he cuts through the woods. He looks ragged and angry with actual bags under his eyes that Zoldyck's don't typically get. It isn't until he's stepping through the front door that Illumi sees him finally starts to relax.

"Alluka," he says quietly. He runs across the room to hug her, lifting her off her feet. Illumi notices that the front entrance, which would normally be full of people bowing and offering to make him breakfast, seems to have been quarantined off, and the only other people there apart from the three of them is their mother. Only her head is visible as she watches them from behind the door leading to the dining room.

"Illu, sweetie, what's going on here?" she asks, voice shaking. "That  _thing_ has been running loose around the house for days! What are we supposed to do with it?"

"Hi Mom, nothing to worry about," Illumi says. "Alluka was feeling homesick so I helped her out."

"Alluka is that true?" Killua asks, finally putting Alluka down. "Did he make you come home?"

Alluka shakes her head. “I'm sorry, Oniichan,” she says. "I didn't mean to scare you. I asked Illu-nii to help take me home."

“It's okay Alluka. We don't need to stay."

"Actually you do," Illumi says. Killua stares at him from over Alluka's head. "Alluka agreed that it'd be in everyone's best interest to never leave home again."

Killua's expression goes cold, the same defiance in his eyes that Illumi saw when he'd hunted the two of them down with Hisoka. He gives Alluka's shoulder a firm, reassuring squeeze.

"It's okay. It's not your fault," he tells her. He has no real way of knowing how much of it Illumi's fault but the accusation in his stare is unmistakable.

Well, it doesn't really matter how he looks at Illumi. Alluka can't leave - even if Illumi were to burn their house down Alluka would stay and she and the monster that shares her body would burn to death. Even if Killua kills him, even if his father punishes him for it, it doesn't matter, the thing is contained.

And, more importantly, Killua had promised Alluka and himself that he'd stay with her forever.

"I'm sorry," Alluka says, wiping her tears on her sleeve. "I'm sorry Oniichan!"

Illumi turns to leave the two of them alone for now. The sooner they get the tears and the disappoint out of their systems the better they'll be able to adjust to their new normal. For Illumi the estate is small enough that he'll be able to sense them as long as they're within its walls so he can give them some pretense at privacy while they mourn for themselves.

"Oh Illu," Kikyo says, a handkerchief pressed to her visor. "You did something terrible didn't you?"

"Yup," Illumi says walking past her. "Have you had breakfast yet? I thought I'd make pancakes."


	2. Chapter 2

More than the fact that he's moved back home after two long years, Alluka’s return to her room seems to be Killua’s first and biggest note of contention. He's apparently accepted that Alluka isn't leaving home ever again and is working through what that means for him if the snippy attitude is anything to go by. He knows the truth, or at least an acceptable enough version of it. Illumi told her to go home because Alluka asked for it. Since that's Killua's life now he's been trying to work within his new parameters. He's moved back into his old room, and hasn't complained yet about the butlers or their mother hovering around him. None of that seems to bother him but the immediate demand for Alluka's return to being locked up seems to rub him the wrong way.

Before Illumi and Killua had returned everyone had been hiding away from Alluka, too scared to steer her back into her room or even interact with her and its left everyone in the house on edge. Silva and Zeno were out of the country and unable to be contacted and that'd left his mother alone to occasionally drop food in her general direction from other rooms and kill any of the butlers who got to close without wearing something to obscure their face. Killua is predictably bothered by her treatment in his absence and eager to shake things up immediately. 

"No Killu,” Kikyo says when Killua corners her after breakfast. “She can't live in the house. If the butlers started getting too close to her - “

“There's a space in the attic that’d make a good room!” Killua insists. “It's right above my room so I'd be right there if anything happened. And as long as Alluka doesn't learn any of the butler's names it won't be a problem!"

“We can’t risk it! If someone who wanted to use her powers for themselves got to her what would we do?”

Illumi takes a slow sip of his orange juice. 

“We can take some of the same precautions that we did when she was locked up. Lots of locks. Milluki’s been hiding porn in his room for years, I bet he could make something that could keep people out!”

The fan in Kikyo’s hands snaps. “It isn’t worth the risk! I’m sorry but I won’t have us all in danger because you think Alluka’s room should be in a different place.”

“She’s family you can’t just isolate her and - “

“No! This conversation is over!" She turns to leave, dress ruffling angrily behind her but then stops at the door. She clears her throat. “Ahem. Welcome home Killu, I'm very glad you're back,” she says softy. The door slams shut violently behind her, knocking items off the shelves and leaving Killua and Illumi alone together. 

"That's too bad,” Illumi says.

“Shut up,” Killua says, disappearing after her.

  
***

 

As unhappy as Killua clearly is with their arrangement Illumi can't even pretend not to be enjoying himself. He forgot how relaxing it was to be able be to casually reach out and feel his presence whenever he felt like it. Even when Killua's trying his best to avoid most of the family Illumi can usually sense him back in his old room whenever he checks for him. It's very reassuring. 

But one night, a couple days after their return, he doesn't feel Killua's presence in there. For a brief moment he wonders if he was wrong about Alluka's powers, and the two of them have teleported away. He forces himself to stay calm and go look for him,  telling himself that they couldn't have gotten far.  

On a hunch he heads towards the tunnel leading to Alluka's room and finds that outside the first door is Canary, standing guard with her staff in hand.

"Illumi-sama,” the girl says as Illumi approaches. She bows her head. Illumi hasn’t seen her, spoken to her, or otherwise acknowledged her existence since she helped protect Killua from him but if she resents him she’s either smart enough or professional enough not to show it.

She probably thinks Illumi hates her, but if he’s being honest he feels absolutely nothing for her. She did her job, as Illumi does his.

Illumi hums. “Is my brother in Alluka’s room?”

“Killua-sama came down to visit Alluka-sama a couple of hours ago and has yet to leave.”

“Did he ask you to guard her room?”

“No sir. I asked Killua-sama and he accepted.”

“Hm,” he says, considering. If it were possible she'd probably be inside Alluka’s room and guarding her from closer by but Killua probably doesn't want to risk Alluka requesting something from her. The only people she doesn't normally request from is family. If Killua isn't having people keep Alluka company that's a good sign. He isn't letting his heart do his thinking for him.

"Move,” he says. Canary steps aside and Illumi punches in the code for the first door.

 

He doesn’t think he’s ever been inside Alluka’s room before, though he’s seen it enough times through recordings. It’s very pink and pilled high with more stuffed toys than any child would ever reasonably need but there aren’t things like books or a T.V. Perhaps Killua was right, it really was a very stifling environment.

He finds the two of them asleep on Alluka’s bed, Alluka on her side turned away from Killua and Killua laying on his back, his head on a stuffed penguin. Quietly he approaches the bed, sitting down lightly enough on the edge that it barely moves. He ignores the sounds of Alluka snoring but lets the faint sounds of Killua's breathing fill his ears and his mind. With a light touch he brushes one of the longer strands of Killua's bangs off of his eye and his fingers float over the soft curve of his cheek and his neck. He wonders if he always slept this deeply or if this was some new habit he’d picked up from his little friend. It could be the exhaustion, or even something in Alluka’s presence that relaxes and dulls him.

Killua will wake up if Illumi tries to move him back up to his room but he doesn’t want to leave him with Alluka for the rest of the night. Unsure what to do Illumi rests a gentle hand on Killua’s stomach and watches him, waiting for an answer to come to him.

The room is unnaturally quiet, Illumi realizes. With so many walls between them and the rest of the house maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to let Killua stay inside with her. He loves his sister and promised to stay with her forever so Killua could only thank him for making things easier for him. The temptation that he might have felt to run off with his friends or decide that Alluka would be fine on her own for a few days wouldn’t matter anymore if Illumi locked the doors behind him and let Killua stay there forever. Keeping track of him through the recordings. If he told their parents that Killua had left they’d stop visiting and then nobody but Illumi would know he was trapped there too. If he got rid of the butlers or made needlemen out of them then the two of them would be entirely dependent on him to bring them food and water. Nobody else would know what he had.

“Illumi? What are you doing?” Killua asks, his voice heavy with sleep and Illumi freezes. Two of his fingers that had been innocently stroking his brother's stomach had slid just under the waistband of his shorts. He stares, breaking himself from the meditative calm that had fallen over him during his thoughts. 

“Illumi?”

He doesn't move but he looks up to meet Killua's stare, fingers still in the other's pants. His blue eyes are wide, his body still loose and unresisting from sleep and confusion. The image of him and Alluka in their cage is still bright and clear in his mind and beneath him Killua's skin is warm.

He could do it.

Illumi pulls his hand back. “Go to bed Killu, it's late.”

Killua blinks at him, then looks down at where his shirt has been pushed up his chest. Illumi doesn't remember doing that. “...Okay.”

He edges away from Illumi on the bed, choosing to climb over Alluka rather than get any closer to him. Alluka is still snoring when he gets to his feet, straightening out his clothes.

“Good night,” Illumi says. Killua practically slams the door shut on his way out.

Illumi falls back on the bed, head brushing Alluka’s feet. It was an impractical idea anyway, Illumi tells himself. Killua needed to play the part of the heir and he couldn’t do that locked away like a toy for Illumi to pick up and play with whenever he felt like it. He doesn’t want that.

“Ah,” Illumi says quietly, choosing to ignore how hard he is in his pants. “I really messed up.”

Besides him Alluka continues to snore.


	3. Chapter 3

He doesn't see Killua at all for a while after that night but that isn't really that new for the two of them. When they were younger he'd sometimes go weeks, even months without seeing Killua either because one of them was on a job or because Killua felt like avoiding him. And, like any good assassin, when he really wants to Killua is very good at making himself scarce and hiding out without making any effort to do so at all. So really this behavior is perfectly normal for him - it probably has nothing to do with Illumi trying to get into his pants.

***

 

“Illumi,” Silva says, catching him suddenly by the shoulder, “what did you do?”

Despite his size, his father has always been the only person on Earth able to sneak up on Illumi, but, having been trained to fight instinctual fear responses from a young age, Illumi doesn’t react at all to his sudden appearance. Instead he turns to him, expression neutral, and searches his father’s face for any sign of what’s about to happen. Illumi hasn’t been punished by either of his parents since he was a child and hasn’t ever done anything that he thinks might be considered “against the family” so he’s completely at a loss for how his father’s going to react.

“Killua looks like he's in a pretty bad mood but you managed to bring him and Alluka home without any bloodshed,” he continues.

 “Oh!” Illumi says. This was about Alluka and Killua coming home. In all the excitement he'd forgotten that since his father was out of the county he didn't have a reliable source of information about the family affairs. He didn't know everyone was home and hadn’t known what Illumi had done. “I made a request with Nanika to go home and then never leave.”

“Ah, and Killua followed on his own.”

Illumi nods.

“If they haven't left yet that means Killua hasn’t yet found a way to counteract your wish,” Silva says, nodding to himself. “Well done.”

“Thanks,” Illumi says.

“But you can’t rely on your wish working forever. Killua figured out how to escape your needle and you thought that was infallible. It’s possible a Nen healer might be able to undue your wish.”

“I don’t think it’s likely, but I’ve considered the possibility.”

“Good,” Silva says. “I’d rather we not have that thing tearing our family apart.”

“I can handle Alluka, Dad. And if I can’t -”

Silva raises a hand, cutting him off. “Handle it as you see fit, Illumi. I have faith in you.”

*** 

 

Once, when Illumi was a child his father had gotten him a cat, calling it a present for his hard work in training and with the kind of open hearted stupidity that comes with being a child, Illumi had happily accepted it. He'd raised, fed it, and played with it for almost half a year until predictably the cat had gotten “sick” and Silva has told him to put it down. At the time he'd been upset but he'd hid it and done what his father had asked of him, not thinking about if his father might be trying to teach him something. He’d asked about it years later when Milluki, who was already prone to torturing animals and people alike, killed his birthday present before it could be fitted for a collar.

“Yes Illumi it was a lie,” Silva tells him easily, when Illumi sits down next to him. “You're more than old enough to know that now, I suppose. There are certain things that are unnecessary for an assassin and an unwillingness to kill is one of them. You mustn't ever let yourself be swayed so completely by your emotions that you can't do what's required of you.” He rests a hand on Illumi’s shoulder.

“You're the oldest Illumi, and you've heard your grandfather say it. We aren't sadists and we don't kill when it isn't a necessity. There are certain things, unpleasant as they may be, that need to be done for the sake of our family. You understand that don’t you?”

 

When he thinks about how his father would react to what happened with Killua he can't imagine him disapproving of Illumi hurting his younger brother. After all Illumi told him after he put the needle in his head and got nothing but mild approval and they’ve both done much worse to him on a regular basis. Instead he can only think that he’d disapprove of Illumi ruining their relationship over something so needless as not being able to keep his hands to himself.

***

 

Not that he _has_ ruined their relationship. At least not yet. But he can comfortably say things are a little awkward when it becomes clear that Killua is now sleeping in Alluka’s room more often than not and timing all of his meals so that he doesn’t run into Illumi.  He also hears second hand from their mother that he hasn’t given up on trying to get Alluka out of her prison. Personally, Illumi thinks he’s going about it the wrong way if he’s going to try to annoy her into giving up. Their mother is probably one of the most stubborn people he’s ever meet and she’s about as likely to back down as she is to abandon her family. Threatening to use Alluka to kill her had been a much better idea but if Killua’s going to continue living at home he probably realizes that in the long run, doing the same thing to get her out of her room will only end in Alluka locked up somewhere worse, where Killua doesn’t have access to her or her powers. 

If Killua were to come to him for advice that’s probably what he’d tell him. But since he’s not Illumi makes a slight effort to give Killua the space he seems to want, not forcing himself into his and Alluka's interactions and mostly letting things play out the way they will. Illumi is used to not getting to see the proof that his needle is doing its work, and has confidence in his power to do its job.

*** 

 

A couple of days after he decides to give his brother space he decides to reconsider his definition of “space”.

_“Hey Alluka, what kind of movies do you want to watch?_ ” Killua asks.

_“Watch a movie? But I don't have a T.V and your phone doesn't have a signal down here.”_

_“Not here Alluka, when we get you your new room.”_

“Pfft, he sure is stubborn,” Milluki says, swinging around in his chair so he can reach towards his cup of coffee. It’s dark in the recording room so he misses it the first time but the second time he swings his chair around he catches it by the handle. Illumi is standing behind him, a hand on his chin as they both watch the security feed. Keeping track of things down in Alluka’s room has been Milluki’s job since their mother decided that they couldn't trust the butlers to watch her but given Milluki’s own track record Illumi is certain he picked the job hoping her requests would be filled by someone dumb enough to let him have whatever wish he wanted afterwards.

“He's been talking like that all week but I doubt even Alluka believes him at this point,” Milluki continues.

Illumi hums his acknowledgement. Though the screen Killua looks earnest in everything he saying but Alluka isn't meeting his eyes when they speak, instead choosing to stare down at the doll whose hair she's currently brushing.

“ _Maybe something scary,”_ she says. Milluki has to turn up the volume for the microphone to catch what she says at all.

“They say this type of boring shit all the time. You don't need to come check on them so much.” Milluki chews loudly through a handful of chips.

Illumi leans over him, his fingers brushing the back of his neck where he grips the chair. Milluki twitches. “I know that. But I still want to make sure there's nothing I need to worry about.”

“I - I’ve got all the records saved and I go through them for anything suspicious,” Milluki says, shifting his weight forwards. “I've seen everything that’s happened in Alluka’s room so I’d know if anything were going on.”

“Ah,” Illumi says, both unsurprised and unbothered but the implications of what his brother has admitted. “Everything huh?”

“Yeah I –“  Milluki goes pale, realizing his mistake. “I-I mean no. Not everything. Nobody's perfect right?” He laughs slightly too loudly.

“If you miss things then it's probably a good thing I stop by so often then isn't it?”

“No, well it's just that it'd be boring for you to be cooped up in here all the time. But I'm good at this kind of work!”

“I like keeping you company Milluki,” he says simply. In the largest screen he watches Killua try unsuccessfully to braid a bit of Alluka’s hair while the two of them laugh. They’re both trying but the atmosphere is tense.

“Guess you can do whatever you want then,” Milluki takes a long sip of his drink, fidgeting with the mug. Illumi looks down at the top of his head.

“Oh I will,” he says. Milluki wipes sweat from his forehead.

“Milluki, you're very tense. Did you have something you wanted to say to me?”

“What me? No way Illu-nii.”

He grabs Milluki’s shoulder and pulls him back onto his chair. When he looks down he can see Milluki shaking. “You don't have anything to accuse me of?” he asks, his voice going cold and hollow. He lets the threat in his aura weigh heavier on Milluki than his actual words.

“Nope. Nu-uh. Nothing.”

Illumi studies his face, waiting to see if Milluki will break the tense silence before him but the other is staring intently away from him.

“Alright then, if you say so,” Illumi says, letting the violence in the air fade with a smile. He takes the seat next to him and Milluki’s visibly relaxes.

“You know I just remembered that Mom wanted me to do some research for her online so I should probably go.” He sits up like he's had an idea. “H-hey, why don’t you take over down here for the rest of the night?”

“If you really need my help then I don’t mind,” Illumi says.

“Y-yeah, thanks.” Milluki starts to get to his feet.

“By the way,” Illumi says, making the other pause, “I have access to all of the archived footage right? Since I'm doing you this favor.”

“... Sure Illu-nii.”

He picks up Milluki’s coffee cup. “That’s a good boy. I'm glad you're on my side.”

Milluki nods and shuts the door softly behind him when he leaves, his food and his coffee abandoned around the room.

_“I haven’t seen Illumi-Oniichan in a while,”_ Alluka says suddenly, her voice too loud from the way the microphone is still turned up.

_“Ew, why would you want to see him?”_

“That’s a good question, Killu,” Illumi says, reaching for Milluki’s abandoned bag of chips.

_“I don’t know,”_ Alluka says. 

“I do,” he says to the empty room.

 ***

 

Since they’re both Nen User it’s as easy for Killua to feel his presence as the opposite is true. So on the day when Illumi’s sitting in one of their kitchens and Killua walks in he knows it isn’t an accident. 

“Good morning,” Illumi says. Killua doesn’t acknowledge him sitting on the counter but heads straight for the refrigerator. It’s past three in the morning, but if Killua had wanted something to eat he could have asked any of the butlers to do their job. Illumi keeps eating his bagel.

“Having fun settling back in?” Illumi asks. Killua sniffs a container of juice before taking a swing from it.

“I’m working on it,” he says, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

“Mom doesn’t seem too convinced.”

“She will be.”

“Oh? And how’s that?”

The fridge slams shut and Killua turns to him. “Because you’re going to convince her that Alluka is family,” he says.

There's something accusatory and demanding in his voice that was never there before Killua left home. He never would've talked to him that way before: as though Illumi has done something wrong that can be held over his head or that he was allowed to feel anything for Illumi but fear and love. Teenage rebellion didn't suit him.

Illumi tilts his head. He was so focused on Killua’s tone he’s only now catching what he said. “Why would I be able to do that? You're the heir.”

Before he has a chance to respond, Illumi already sees that Killua has come to the same conclusion that he had. “I'm not asking you to talk to her,” Killua says. Illumi feels a sudden rush of excitement that he has to hold down. He doesn't want to scare Killua away from his own idea.

“You want me to stick a needle in her,” he says, voice steadier than he feels. Oh he was wrong. He was very, very wrong about what Killua was willing to do.

“You could do it, couldn't you?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Will you?”

At this a smile finally breaks through. “Will I plot to mind control our mother just because you asked?”

Killua falters a little and Illumi knows he must’ve agonized over this for a long time “...Yeah.”

If Killua hadn’t asked he probably would’ve done it by himself. “Maybe,” he says with a shrug.

“What do you want?”

“In return? I dunno it's a really big favor Killu.”

“How about - “

“Three requests,” Illumi says. “That's how things work with Nanika right?"

“You’re not Nanika,”

“No, but I _am_ the only person you can ask to do this.”

Killua clenches his teeth but Illumi knows that he’s stalling. He won’t say no when he’s backed himself so badly into a corner. “Fine. I'll stop texting Gon and I'll give you my phone.”

“That’s not a request,” Illumi says. He frowns. “Wait, actually I do really want that. Gimme.”

Killua tosses him his phone. “Secondly - ”

“Are you still deciding all of these? I don’t think that’s how requests work”

“ - I'll call you Illu-nii again.”

Killua’s eyes are bright and determined and Illumi has to force himself to look away before his sanity leaves him behind. “No more “Illumi” or “Aniki?”

“No.”

“Okay,” he hears himself say. This isn’t what he really wants and Killua knows it. He can't let himself get off track. “And I want - “

“You can - _nnmmm_!”

Illumi covers Killua’s mouth, having closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye. He pulls a needle out of his shirt, holding it up in front of his face. He follows Killua when he steps back, shaking his head.

“No?” He drops his hands. “Then I guess we're done. Have fun trying to get Alluka out of her room.”

“Wait, damn it!” Killua bites his lip as though he wants to fight down his own words. His voice is a whisper when he continues. “I was gonna say...you can touch me again. The way you did that other night. I won't stop you.”

In the past 14 years Illumi hasn’t once done anything to imply that he feels anything but a pure brotherly love for his brother. But Killua, with his fast little mind and his adaptable nature - one brief moment of weakness on Illumi’s part and he's been figured out. Better than that -

He's understood.

“Well?” Killua asks. What a great thing to offer. Illumi doesn't have the option of saying no, or the desire to be ashamed. Every part of their deal is a victory for him.

“Yes,” Illumi says, tucking the needle away. His aura must betray his intention because Killua is backing away from him but Illumi can't make himself reign it in, doesn't want to wait or keep his hands to himself anymore.

“Hold on Illumi - “

“Who?” he asks, taking Killua's face in his hands.

“Illum - Illu-nii, I mean. Hold on a second, wait!” He grabs Illumi’s hands and pushes them away. “You have to get Milluki and Kalluto too.”

“Okay,” Illumi says, hardly listening. His skin feels prickly and hot.

“You have to make them feel like Alluka is really our family.”

Illumi takes another step, taking hold of Killua's hands and tugging the two of them closer together. “I already said yes,” he says firmly. But Killua isn't yielding to him yet. He's still all bright eyes and determination.

 “Do it first,” Killua says. “Make them recognize her as family and you can do whatever you want.”

Illumi looks down at his grip around Killua's wrists and makes a point of tightening it to watch him squirm. “I want an awful lot Killu. You shouldn’t leave deals so open-ended when you’re negotiating.”

“Damn it, stop trying to make this a teaching moment. Whatever you want once.” He tries to tug himself away from Illumi with a rough yank. “But no needles.”

More than the sweet promise Killua has made him he's overwhelmed at the cruelty of asking Illumi to do something that he hated having done him. Even if he's aware of the necessity of his needles he _knows_ that they're at best invasive and at worst only a step away from lobotomizing his victims. For Killua to sink to his level makes his heart swell up so much he wonders if he might actually die.

“Okay then,” Illumi says calmly, letting Killua go. “Whatever you want. And then - " 

"Whatever _you_ want," Killua finishes for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy it took me 3 chapters to make this into something vaguely coherent but here we go! Things get explicate in chapter 4 and feel free to hit me on tumblr at [statuscrows](http://www.statuscrows.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ever try to write fic in between final exams kids it's a bad idea

“I thought Manipulators knew how to be subtle,” Killua says quietly.

“I _was_ subtle,” Illumi says. “You know Mom. This is how she does subtle.”

After the sudden “revelation” Kikyo had gone through in the middle of the night that Alluka obviously needed to be in her own room, closer to the house where she could be protected, Kikyo had set the butlers to work making sure the attic was ready for her to move into. Her frantic energy had infected most of the house as she ordered everyone around in a mad rush to finish construction and make everything more homely. Despite the speed things were moving at, Kikyo was a perfectionist and they were actually making good progress with decorating.

Since there wasn’t really much they could do without ending up on the tail end of their mother’s rage, Illumi and Killua were standing out in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs, watching her harass the butlers as they brought toys and furniture up into the attic. One of them drops one of Alluka's dresses and Kikyo grabs him around the throat, threatening to rip out his spine with her bare hands. Illumi thinks she seems to be in a very good mood.

It would’ve been incredibly difficult under normal circumstances for Illumi to implant a needle into his mother's brain. She was an incredibly paranoid woman on her best days along with being an excellent Manipulator in her own right, so Illumi was certain he’d fail if he tried to use his needle head on. But lucky for him he'd been holding out on a trump card with his mother for a few years that he could use for times like this. So that morning when their dad had left he'd headed straight for his parent’s room and asked if he could borrow one of his mother’s old kimono.

Kikyo had punched a hole through her dresser in her excitement. “One of mine?! I thought you didn't want to wear my clothing anymore?”

“It's part of a job,” he'd said with a shrug. “But if you don't want me to wear yours I can always buy - “

“No! Absolutely not! Don't move, I've got several that I had the seamstress make too long and I'm sure that they'd look perfect on you!”

After she’d gotten him dressed she insisted on doing his hair and Illumi has agreed under the condition that he be allowed to do hers as well, which had gotten some more screaming out of her. With his hands in her hair it’d been relatively easy to get the needle into her head along with getting a chance to practice his braiding. Admittedly it'd been fun letting her dress him like one of her dolls again but given her hysterical excitement Illumi decides he should avoid giving her too much attention in the future for the sake of her mental health.

 

To his disappointment Milluki had been no challenge at all. He forgot to do basic things like boobytrap his room half the time and he wasn't very attentive when he had his headphones on. When Illumi snuck into his room it took him almost half an hour to notice Illumi was there, sitting on his bed.

“You really need to pay more attention to your surroundings,” he says when Milluki notices him, screams, and slams his laptop shut.

“Illu-nii! What the hell?”

“Nothing to worry about, just here to put this in your brain,” Illumi says, holding up his needle. Milluki’s scream is quieter this time as he climbs backwards over his desk to get away. “It’ll be easier if you sit still.”

“C-come on Illu-ni. You don't need to do that.”

“Actually I do. Don't worry it won't hurt. You probably won't even remember this.”

“That's not the issue!” He squeaks when Illumi sits him back down. “Hey! I thought we were on the same team. Me and you are the oldest so we have to stick together, right?”

“Think of this as taking on for the team then.”

Milluki tries to get up again but Illumi pushes him back into his seat. “What is that thing gonna do?”

“Nothing dangerous. I promise. You won't even notice it's there. Personally I don't think you really need it but Killua asked so - “

“Killua?!” Milluki says, his outrage covering his fear. “When did you start doing what Killua wanted?”

“Since yesterday. Now then, instead of making this hard why don't you _sit down and stop fighting me.”_

Milluki’s stiffens up at the command and then his body goes slack, obeying Illumi’s will. Illumi has always found that his basic hypnosis works significantly better on people who are already inclined to listen to him, and who he had a hand in training. The line of thought from training his siblings leads him back to Killua and it ends up taking a lot amount of willpower on Illumi’s part to focus on the needle he's forcing into Milluki’s brain and not the promise Killua made him. So he tries to cut that short.

“Okay, now we're done. _You won’t remember any of this_ right Milluki?”

“I won’t Illu-nii,” Milluki says mechanically.

“Good! You can go back to watching porn now if you want.” He pats Milluki’s head. “Uh. That's gross. _Wash your hair first.”_

“Okay Illu-nii,” Milluki says, eyes still glazed over.

 

Kalluto hadn't taken much work either, though the trip to find him had been a pain. But unlike Milluki, Kalluto wasn’t typically alone these days. Knocking him out to drag him away from the Troupe ended up being the easiest way to handle things.

“What exactly are you doing to him?” Chrollo had asked him. His calm exterior was the only reason no one else had attacked him for breaking into their base and knocking out one of their members.

“Just a little family business,” Illumi had told him, throwing his unconscious brother over his shoulder. “I'll have him back pretty soon.”

“Alright.” Chrollo doesn't look up from his book, and true to his word, Illumi returns Kalluto less than five minutes later. The stares he gets from the Troupe don’t bother him too much - even if they tell Kalluto that Illumi did something to him and it’s not like he knows about his needles, or how to hypothetically get then out. Things should be fine for a while.

 

“So are Milluki and Kalluto..?” Killua asks.

“Already done. I wouldn't wait for Milluki to start doing any of this though.” He gestures vaguely at their frantic mother, standing on the top of the stairs with her whip. “The needle won't completely change either of them.”

“No, it'll just pit them against their own self-interests.”

“Ha, yeah that's a good way to put it.” Illumi ruffles his hair. “Why the long face? Wasn't this what you wanted?”

“No, it was. I  just...nevermind. You wouldn't get it anyway.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Killua!” Kikyo yells from up the stairs, “Come help your mother pick a paint color for the walls. We can't have these brain dead lumps ruining Alluka’s room because they think mauve is an acceptable color!”

“What a pain,” Killua says, moving to join her, but Illumi can see his mood improving. He knows now that Alluka is safe from most of their family and Illumi has faith that he’ll eventually realize that this was really for the best.

 

More than once Illumi has wondered what his life would be like if he were as liberal with needles as he sometimes wants to be. The thought of being surrounded by his family, his needles sticking out of the back of their skulls, makes him happier than he cares to admit. It's a guilty fantasy that he indulges in every once in a while, less often now that his family has come back together (mostly) willingly. He knows of course that he would never do it. It wouldn’t do to have the most notorious family of assassins on the planet reduced to vegetables. But knowing now that there’s a part of him in over half his family is a sweet thought.

***

 

Moving all of Alluka’s stuff to her new rooms takes most of an afternoon, not only because of the sheer quantity of stuff she has but because Kikyo demands things are done in very specific ways to accommodate the needs of her “very special child”. Killua’s request for a T.V puts them back a few more hours as she insists on having a new one flown in, rather than let Alluka use one of old ones laying around the house. By the time they’re done it’s past midnight. The place does look pretty good though. It’s been divided into a bedroom, living room, and bathroom like she has her own house. It’s still very pink but it has a slightly more lived in quality that takes away the eerines of her old room.

But of course the real test of the needle’s power doesn't come until she has to actually face Alluka. Killua himself is the one to take her out of her room and they make quite a scene, surrounded by a few dozen masked butlers carrying the last of Alluka’s stuff. Illumi follows behind them but Killua clearly doesn't want him there, though Alluka yawns and turns back to stare at him a few times while they walk.

No one in their family but him and Killua has seen Alluka outside of recordings since she was still in diapers so Illumi is actually very interested in what Kikyo will say. She’s standing beside the door when they arrive, twisting her fan back and forth as she watches Alluka. Killua’s holding tightly onto her hand like he might need to run off at a moment's notice. No one speaks.

Finally, Kikyo frowns, the red light of her visor sweeping down to look Alluka up and down. “Who on earth has been doing your hair?!”

The tension in the room eases as Alluka breaks into a wide smile. “Killua-Oniichan,” she says instantly, squeezing her brother’s hand.

Killua jumps. “A-Alluka!”

“It looks like a mess.”

“I don't know how to handle long hair!” Killua says. “I tried to bring Canary with me because she’s better at that kind of stuff but - “

“Forget it,” Kikyo says. “Alluka, go sit down by the dresser. The rest of you get out!”

The butlers all bow before they go, leaving Killua and Illumi to watch Kikyo begin undoing all the sloppy braids scattered through Alluka’s hair. There’s a couch near the wall and Illumi takes a seat down on it.

“Killu!” Kikyo swings the comb in her hand like a blade. “What are you still doing here?”

“Nothing,” Killua says. He’s been busying himself by flipping on random switches, turning on the T.V and poking various things around the room like he’s looking for a bomb.

“You can do nothing somewhere else. Get out. Sit still Allu, Mama has to get this little rat's nest on your head to behave.”

Killua’s eyebrows raise at the sudden switch to endearments but Illumi knew this would happen. Their mother doesn’t believe in doing things halfway. If she’s decided to be Alluka’s mother then she’s going to be Alluka’s mother.

“Are the baths cleaned out?” Kikyo asks, combing out a knot. “It might be easier to wash this mess.”

“It’s late,” Killua says.

“Yes?”

“ _Really_ late,” Killua says but Kikyo still doesn’t react. He sighs. “Alluka can’t skip a night’s sleep like us, she needs to go to bed.”

“You can’t?” Kikyo asks. Alluka shakes her head. “That’s absurd, even without assassin training you should at least be able to go a few days without sleeping.”

“Well she can’t because she’s normal.”

Kikyo tsks in annoyance. “We’ll have to work on that. You lose so much of the day when you waste all that time in bed. I’m done here for now then. Mama needs a bath and some tea or she won’t be able to stay so sweet and reasonable. Did you two want to join me?”

“No thank you,” Illumi says, laying a hand on Killua’s shoulder. “Me and Killua are going to catch up on some bonding.”

Kikyo is too busy ushering Alluka into her new room to notice the shudder that goes through Killua’s body. Had he been so focused on making sure that Alluka was okay that he hadn’t noticed Illumi come up behind him? He thought he’d taught Killua better than that.

“That’s lovely,” she calls from the other room. “I’m so happy you boys get along so well.”

“Yup,” Illumi says.

They listen to the sounds of Kikyo fretting around Alluka’s room until things grows quiet, the soft sounds from the T.V the only thing left in the room. Though his face is still set in the look of mild annoyance that he’d had when their mother was watching he can feel Killua’s pulse beneath where his thumb has found its place on his neck, stroking slowly. It’s fast.

Kikyo reappears, closing Alluka’s room behind her with a sigh. “It must be exhausting to sleep so much,” she says.

“Mm,” Illumi agrees vaguely. His attention is on Killua’s down turned face and the racing heartbeat he can feel beneath his fingers.

“Goodnight you two.” She flips the light switches.

“Night Mom,” he says. Killua isn’t breathing.

Kikyo’s steps down the stairs feel entirely too loud but eventually they fade. And then it’s finally just the two of them and the promise hanging over the air between them.

When Illumi can no longer feel her or the butler’s presence anywhere nearby he moves to take his seat back on the couch. He’s seen his brother freeze up like this in his fear more times than he can count. It’s satisfying to know that even without the needle he can still illicit this kind of response him.

“Illu-nii,” Killua says quietly, the length of his hair covering his eyes, “do you really want to do this?”

“Why wouldn't I?”

Killua doesn’t seem capable of meeting his eyes but he manages to turn so they’re at least facing each other. “I don’t know, because we're brothers?”

Illumi tilts his head. “Of course we’re brothers. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Right,” he says. “Guess you wouldn’t care something like about that.”

“Are you backing out?” Illumi asks, voice carefully flat. His emotions haven't caught up with the conversation yet so it's too early to tell how he feels about that possibility. But luckily for both of them, Killua spares him the trouble of finding out.

“I'm not. I'm just...” He finally looks up at Illumi for a moment before looking away. There's nothing of that resistance in his eyes now. Illumi sighs. He really is such a kid, acting all tough when he's just nervous.

“I’ll be gentle,” Illumi says.

For whatever reason that makes Killua laugh but when he holds out his hand to Killua he takes it.

He doesn't object when Illumi pulls him so that he's sitting in his lap in a way that might’ve been perfectly innocent under different circumstances. Illumi closes his eyes and leans over Killua's shoulder. He can still see the light of the TV through his eyelids but the house is quiet, so he really only notices Killua. He isn't trying to scare him but when he draws his fingers across the warm skin of Killua's stomach he shivers.

“Are my fingers cold, Killu?” he asks.

“Yeah your fingers are cold,” he says sarcastically.

“Sorry,” Illumi says, but he doesn't stop.

He lingers for a few moments with his hands on the top of Killuas shorts but when he gets no resistance, no reaction but the quiet, barely audible sound of him swallowing Illumi moves on. He takes hold of Killua’s shorts to pull them down to his upper thighs and naturally, Killua isn't exactly hard yet. He's young and he's nervous. Illumi understands. He'll go easy on him.

He lifts Killua so his back is against his stomach and Killua briefly stiffens at the feeling of how hard Illumi is under his ass but he isn't dumb enough to try and pull away. With a little coaxing his knees fall open, his feet against the couch cushions and Illumi marvels at how good Killua’s lack of resistance feels when he finally takes hold of him.

Illumi makes his pace even and insistent as he strokes Killua’s cock and eventually he reacts to him, growing hard in Illumi’s palm. He watches his own fingers move on Killua’s cock over his shoulder feeling almost lightheaded in his giddiness. He's never seen Killua hard and there's something exciting about the perversity of seeing him like this now. It turns out that Killua makes a lot of precome and that Illumi doesn't need to do anything like spit in his hand to ease his discomfort. Maybe he should have brought lube.

Next time, he tells himself.

With his free hand he traces a soft line from Killua’s groin to the middle of his chest. He rubs experimentally at one of Killua's nipples with his thumb and gets an uncomfortable sound in return. He's probably never touched himself like that before, Illumi thinks, lowering his hand. He can save that for another day too.

Killua’s clearly trying so hard not to make any noise with Alluka in the other room, probably paying more attention to that than to what Illumi is doing to him but the sudden sharp press of Killua's nails digging into his thighs lets him know when Killua must be close. Illumi wishes he were the kind of person who could tease or draw things out but when he can see Killua biting his lips in the faint light of the TV he can’t make himself be patient. He wants to make Killua come now.

It doesn’t take Killua very long. A few more quick strokes and he comes over Illumi's fingers, drawing blood with his claws. His mouth is open in a near silent gasp and his head is leaned against Illumi’s as he pushes his cock into his hand. Unfortunately, the position means he can’t quite see Killua’s face but the warm pressure of his back on Illumi’s chest is pleasant in its own right and the feeling of him faintly shivering as Illumi strokes his chest is more intimate than he would’ve expected.

He waits until Killua’s has caught his breath and yanked his nails out of Illumi’s skin before he turns him in his lap. Illumi stares at him in silence for a few moments, waiting to see if Killua will look at him but he keeps his eyes cast down and away from his. Shyness is cute on his little brother.

Killua doesn’t move at all until Illumi tries to kiss him and then he turns away sharply. Illumi kisses his cheek instead, his forehead, the place under his eye and he’s met with no resistance there. He frees his cock from his pants and holds Killua still with a hand the back of his neck to keep him from looking away again.

He wants Killua to touch him, wants to feel the press of those familiar fingers around the hard length of cock, but he doesn't think Killua will go for it. It's fine. Illumi wraps his fingers around himself and pets his fingers through the short hair at the back of Killua's neck. He can make do for now. After all he’s so aroused he really won’t last must longer than Killua did.

His fingers are still so slick from Killua's come that they slide so smoothly over him. Following Killua's lead, he keeps himself quiet so that the only noise in the room is the almost imperceptible sounds of Illumi fucking his fist.

Illumi comes with a soft, shuddering breath, watching the twitching of Killua’s closed eyes.

Neither of them gets up to move away immediately so Illumi takes the initiative and pulls Killua towards him. It's sticky and not entirely comfortable but Illumi doesn't mind.

Both of them are breathing steadily though he thinks he can feel a slight tremor in Killua’s body

“I made you put a needle in Mom’s head,” he says suddenly.

“You sure did.” He wraps his arms around Killua’s waist and sits his head on shoulder. “I bet she'd be very proud of you.”

Killua shakes his head and he can hear a new heaviness to his breath, even though Illumi’s just holding him. Illumi blinks.

“Are you crying Killua?”

“What would I have to cry about?”

Illumi thinks about it for a moment. “Hm. Nothing really. You got what you wanted and Alluka will be safe.”

“Exactly,” he says. “So I'm not crying.”

“Oh. Okay.”

His body stays tense, shaking slightly in Illumi’s arms. Illumi wonders if he should say anything else or tell Killua to get up. He's never stayed around someone he's had sex with for longer than the time it took him to put his clothes back on. Killua was obviously different from anyone else he'd ever slept with but he was also an assassin like Illumi.

Well, If Killua was going to stay sitting in his lap all night until someone inevitably found them then that was a bridge they'd be crossing later.

“I'm worse than you are,” Killua says suddenly.

At this Illumi can’t help laughing. “Not really,” he says. “Just more of a hypocrite.”


	5. Chapter 5

In a perfect world Illumi would be around to look after his brother all the time - especially now when he's at such a fragile age. Their mother is always reminding them that Killua is at an important time in his life and Illumi absolutely agrees with her. Now that Killua is leaving childhood behind he needs a firm hand to keep him on the right path. And Illumi wants to be around for his bigger milestones but unfortunately the world isn't quite perfect and the morning when he wants to have breakfast with Killua - to see if he's brave enough to look him the eyes - his father assigns him a job.

 

As efficient as Illumi typically is with his work, the job takes him nearly a month and half, during which Illumi has no contact with anyone at home. His skill at his job means that he's free to worry and hunt down his target at the same time which is the downside to living a life where killing is as easy as breathing.

He tells himself he doesn't need to worry; after all it's only a matter of time before he's home and Killua needs something from him again. And it’s not as though Alluka’s going anywhere.

***

 

"Illumi, is there a reason you're using zetsu?"

"Hm?" Illumi looks up at his father, his brain still feeling sluggish. He's just returned home after a 10 hour airship ride and is still feeling the effects of minor frostbite in his fingers and toes. He doesn't much like sleeping in places where he's too exposed, even if it's the family airship when he's surrounded by butlers who are supposedly trustworthy so he’s a bit sleep deprived as well.

"You're still concealing your presence." Silva pats him on the shoulder. "You'll need to stop that at some point. Your mother might accidently kill you if she runs into you like this."

"Oh."

Silva waves a hand over his shoulder as he leaves, probably heading back to the master bedroom and Illumi is left to stare down at his hands. He _is_ still concealing his presence. After so long spent being nothing but a shadow it's odd remembering that he has an actual corporeal form. With some effort he drops zetsu and heads to the bathroom for a quick shower.

By the time he's drying off his hair a feeling of numbness has settled into his skin. It's better than having no sensation in his head but it's immensely uncomfortable. This has happened to him a few times before on longer jobs but it still isn't exactly fun. His limbs feel slow and like they belong to someone else. Even his legs are moving him without any conscious effort.

It isn't until he looks up and sees the top of Killua's head poking out from underneath his sheets that he realizes that in his dazed state his body has taken him to his little brother's room. Killua not immediately reacting is worrying until he realizes that he's using zetsu again and makes himself stop.

Now Killua reactions more normally, jumping when Illumi stops concealing his presence. When he sees Illumi he frowns but sits back down in his bed.

It's strange but Illumi didn't realize how badly he'd wanted to see Killua until he was there in front of him - soft hair and pale skin and their father's blue eyes. Thoughtlessly, Illumi reaches out to touch his cheek and marvels at the fact that this is an option for them, that he can have this now if he wants it. He can come home from a long job and Killua won’t have stabbed their mom and Milluki to try to escape him.

Killua's skin is sweaty and Illumi suspects he might be trying to talk to him but he can't make himself listen. He's not feeling human enough yet. Instead he slides under Killua's sheets and takes him in his arms.

Illumi presses himself against Killua’s chest, letting out a low sigh. He'd been breathing so shallowly for the past week he'd forgotten how it felt to have enough air. Killua struggles briefly in his grip, trying to dislodge him. Once he realizes that Illumi has already made himself comfortable he gives up.

Killua moves his head enough to that he's looking into Illumi's eyes and Illumi smells the faint mint and sweetness of his breath as he talks.

"That's no good Killu, you shouldn't eat candy after you brush your teeth," Illumi mumbles. Killua shakes his head and says something and this time Illumi makes an effort to listen.

"Hm?" he asks. "What was that?"

"I asked if you'd been poisoned or something," Killua says. Illumi smiles and shakes his head.

"No I just got back from a job. I'm a little tired, but you don't need to worry about me." He pets the top of Killua's head softly. His brother is so considerate.

"Right," Killua says, trying to scoot away. "Illu-nii you're really cold."

"Ha ha, yeah. My target was hiding in a cave on top of a mountain so I've been chest deep in snow for the past five weeks." He'd stopped noticing the temperature after the first hour but now, feeling his brother's wonderful warmth all around him, he's a bit more aware of how cold he must be.

"What are you doing here?"

Illumi hears him this time but he doesn't bother with answering. It should be obvious that he needs to be here.

Killua squirms until he's finally able to free one of his arms from Illumi's hug and takes a breath. It's very possible that he's holding Killua too tightly. In lieu of letting him go completely he rolls over, pulling Killua on top of him.

After a last attempt to free himself Killua finally lays his head against Illumi's chest with an annoyed sighed. The comforting weight over him makes it easy for Illumi to start slipping into unconscious.

"I thought you were trying to..." he hears Killua starts to say. But his sentence ends there and soon after Illumi falls asleep.

 

 

He wakes up to the soft sound of Killua’s voice, feeling a good deal more coherent but alarmed because he’s never heard him make a sound like it before. His eyes are still open, having never closed as he slept, and he returns to full awareness instantly. Killua is right where he left him, eyes closed and one of his legs thrown over Illumi’s own. As far as Illumi can tell he’s still asleep.

Illumi watches until he makes the sound again: a soft pleasured hum.

Oh, it’s just a sex dream, Illumi thinks. Considering his age, that totally made sense. Illumi briefly considers waking his brother up or going back to sleep and ignoring it but then Killua lets out a soft sigh, his lips parting and his hand tightening where it grips the pillow under his head and suddenly neither of those ideas seem like an option.

“Hm.” Illumi turns to stare at the ceiling. Killua gave him permission to touch him the last time they were together but that didn’t necessarily mean he’d want it now. He needs the excuse of giving Illumi something in return for power over him to justifying letting them be together. And if Illumi offered to help him now without any pretense Killua would immediately deny it was what he wanted. He was complicated in that way and endlessly endearing.

But when Killua shifts Illumi can tell he's hard in his pants where they're pressed together. He mumbles something under his breath and turns to burrow himself closer to Illumi.

It seems downright rude not to help him out when he so clearly needs it, achingly hard in his pajamas pants just from being near Illumi. But no, if Killua were awake he’d never want to be so open. Probably best not to, he decides, Killua might take it the wrong way.

Unfortunately despite Illumi’s effort to play the responsible older brother Killua is rubbing himself against his leg in a way that's very distracting. A whine slips free from his throat and Illumi really doesn't have a choice but to stare at his lips and the flush in his cheeks. He hadn’t blushed at all when he’d been with Illumi. If anything he’d been pale.

At this point he wonders if Killua is going to come in his sleep, right on top of him. Even if it'd be messy and very embarrassing for Killua it isn't an awful thought. He missed out on the chance to see Killua’s face during orgasm the last time they were together and it’s not like he can be faulted for just watching him -

“Mmm.” Killua bites his lips and then lets out a quiet, “ _Gon_.”

With a firm push Illumi shoves him off the bed watching Killua tumble over the edge, taking a blanket and both of the pillows with him.

Killua rolls when he hit the floor but manages to stop himself in a sitting position on instinct, eyes wide and confused but alert. “What the hell, Illu-nii? That hurt!"

“Oops, sorry Killu,” Illumi says, peaking his head over the side of the bed. “You were moaning in your sleep and I assumed you were having a bad dream.”

“I wasn’t - “ Killua stops himself, probably only now noticing that he’s hard. He closes his legs, hugging his pillow towards his chest.

“Was I wrong?”

Ķillua looks mortified, his face red up to his ears.“...no. You were right. I was having a bad dream.”

“That’s too bad," Illumi says, voice cold. "I’m glad I woke you then.” Illumi rolls away, pulling Killua’s remaining blankets over himself.

“I’ll, uh, go sleep somewhere else. So I don't bug you,” Killu says. Illumi can hear him gathering up his pillows.

“Mm. You go right ahead.”

***

 

The next time he wakes up Illumi can feel Killua’s scent clinging to his skin and for a brief moment he's completely at peace. That only lasts for about a minute before the rest of the previous night pops into his head, effectively killing his good mood and the slight erection he'd woken up with.

Despite his fatigue Illumi knows he would've woken up if Killua had returned at some point so he must be hiding up in Alluka’s room. He checks thoughtlessly and can feel both of them in the room above him and the familiar presence makes him feel slightly better. Illumi was right, even if they’re avoiding each other he can't exactly go far.

 

Since he's unlikely to be assigned a new job for a few weeks for now Illumi is free to take it easy. His body has mostly healed overnight, the black and blue color fading from his fingers and toes but he figures a long bath wouldn't hurt. Even if he isn't in the best mood hot water is always relaxing and open air baths are nice.

He's been sitting in the bath, head against the edge for almost an hour when the door slides open. He recognizes Killua’s presence without turning around and feels him freeze when he sees Illumi.

Illumi can tell he's going through his options. If he walks away he's proving that he's scared and weak but if he stays he's stuck with the person he tried to dry hump in his sleep. Illumi avoids saying anything to make the decision any easier on him and after a few quiet seconds the door slides shut. And then it's just the two of them once again.

Killua makes a clear effort to act normal, taking his time as he cleans up and washes his hair. Eventually he reaches the bath and he sits down a neutral enough distance from Illumi, looking around at nothing in particular.

Illumi stays where he is, reclined in the bath but he does watch Killua. The heat in the bath flushes his face a red that Illumi will probably associate with his face when he's about to come in his pants from now on. The thought is not as welcome as it should be and a bitter taste fills Illumi’s mouth.

“Alluka’s new room is very cute,” Illumi says. At Alluka’s name Killua’s eyes flicker over to meet his. Illumi smiles before he says, “He's probably been enjoying it.”

“ _She's_ been enjoying it,” Killua snaps. Killua is so smart but he's too obvious about his weaknesses. Too easy to exploit. Illumi enjoys everything about him but his love, beautiful as it was, was a problem if someone who wasn't Illumi learned how to use it against him.

“That's good to hear,” Illumi says, ignoring Killua’s point.

“Alluka is a girl,” Killua says a little firmer.

“Yes, I know. You've told me several times.”

“You called her “he”.”

“I don't think I did Killu, are you sure you didn't mishear me?” Illumi says. Killua looks like he might actually punch him and Illumi stares at him blankly. 

“Fine,” Killua says, grinding his teeth. “My bad then.”

“Apology accepted.”

They sit in relative silence for a while after that. Illumi expects that'll be the end of their conversion but then Killua suddenly asks, “Have you visited Alluka?”

“No.” Watching a person through cameras didn't exactly constituted a visit. “I don’t think she’d want me to. I did try to kill her.”

“Alluka doesn’t hold grudges. She’d probably forgive you if you’d apologize. Besides it’d...make her happy.” 

“Okay, I’ll go apologize to her then," Illumi says simply.

Killua blinks. “You'll apologize to her?”

“Sure,” Illumi says.

"What, now?"

"Yes," Illumi says. Killua’s eyes narrow.

“What do you want?”

Illumi smiles. His brother understands him so well. “A kiss.”

“H-hey! Why should you get anything? You slept in my bed and got all cuddly with me. You owe me one!"

“We're not counting that though, are we? After all it’s not like _I_ was getting off on it.”

“I wasn't--!” Killua starts to say, but he doesn't finish the thought. He sinks lower into the water. “...One kiss?”

“Mhm.”

“And then you'll apologize to her?”

“I will.”

“Damn it, fine. But it better be a good apology.”

"Of course."

Killua shifts closer to him in the bath, looking about as cautious as he does when he’s about to enter a fight. Illumi stays still, graciously letting Killua take the lead in this.

Killua stops a few feet from him. “Would you close your eyes already? You're freaking me out.”

“Kay,” he says, quietly mimicking Nanika’s inflection. It's not as though he's any less aware just because he can't see.

Hesitantly, he feels Killua draw closer, placing one hand on the smooth stone near Illumi’s head. His face stays where it is, a few inches from his while Illumi waits patiently. Very slowly he leans closer, tilting his head ever so slightly before touching his lips to Illumi’s.

Though brief it's a sweet kiss, awkward in the way a 14 year old who's never kissed anyone would naturally kiss. Illumi feels the last of the tension fade from his muscles. Killua is kissing him—it seems insignificant to think about who he dreams about when he's the one who has Killua now.

By the time he opens his eyes Killua has retreated to the other side of the bath.

Killua stares at him with a hand over his mouth like Illumi might try to kiss him back. Probably a good choice since he is actually considering it. He has absolutely no idea how he went so long without kissing Killua.

“It's been a while since I did that,” Illumi says. Killua’s eyebrows raise.

“What? Kissed someone?”

“No, closed my eyes.”

Killua snorts and actually smiles at that. Admittedly it’s a small smile and a bitter one, but it’s still there.

“I love you Killua,” Illumi says and Killua’s smile fades.

“I don't know what you mean when you say that anymore.”

“It seems pretty self-explanatory.”

“You still love me like a younger brother? Really?”

Illumi wants to say yes immediately but he tries to actually think about it. He isn’t really one for introspection and in truth he doesn’t think there’s a specific moment he can say where his feelings went from fraternal to more sexual. Every feeling he’s ever had for Killua in his life is mixed into this boiling pot in the pit of his stomach that he knows is overwhelmingly love. It feels like the way they are now with Killua home and his more than he’s ever been is something that was meant to happen. Even if Killua hadn’t suddenly suggested it the two of them would’ve ended up this way sooner or later. He loves Killua, and Killua loves him after all.

But he doesn’t think he should say that. For all that he understands his family Killua has never been very good at acknowledging his feelings out loud. He’s easily frightened away by large gestures of sincerity and has trouble with them himself.

“You're still my brother,” Illumi finally says. “I feel the same way about you now that I always have.”

Killua shakes his head. “Just go apologize to Alluka already.”

“Sure,” Illumi says. When Killua stares at him expectantly he adds, “I should probably wait until the erection goes away first.”

Killua groans and splashes him.


	6. Chapter 6

Illumi's family has always had really unique ways of expressing their affection. Words like “faster next time” and “don't drop your guard so quickly” were his father's preferred method of doling it out when he was younger, and his mother was fond of violently beating people she suspected of showing Illumi too much attention - typically in front of him of course. Illumi liked to think that his own methods were a functional blending of both his mother's watchful intensity and his father's helpful, encouraging nature. Even if Killua was still strong willed and tragically free thinking he's clearly done pretty darn well under Illumi's care.

In some ways he’s very suited for being Killua's mentor but he's aware of the fact that the things that make him such a great teacher for Killua don't always translate to his relationships with other people. Other people don't usually give him the time to groom them and tend to demand unreasonable things from him like compassion and empathy. Those more...traditional forms of affection aren't his normal schtick.

Obviously they aren't beyond him. Just because he isn't normally inclined to buying presents or being a little gushy doesn't mean he can't do it. Or at least stick a bunch of needles in his face and fake it if he has to. And since Killua expects him to apologize well (his exact words are that he should “put his heart into it” but Illumi suspects that was a joke) he ends up wasting a decent amount of time hunting down a good present for Alluka back in town before deciding to pay her a visits.

***

 

He's barely made it through the front door before he feels the distinct prickling of his father's aura at his back. Not concealing your presence has always been as good as a greeting for them, and Silva is leaning back in the hallway when Ilumi finds him, arms crossed over his chest. 

"Illumi," he says, voice cold and calm, "Your mother has been acting strange lately.”

A faint chill runs up Illumi's spine but he doesn’t let it show. He’s acting out of necessity. Nothing wrong with that. No reason for him to be scared. “I know,” he says.

“Did you put a needle in her head?”

“Yup,” Illumi says without hesitation.

Silva scoffs and some of the tension leaves the air. "If she couldn't stop you from doing it she probably deserved it."

Illumi isn't sure the comment is actually directed at him so he stays quiet. Influencing her thoughts is one thing but agreeing and implying that his mother is weak seems like a trap that he doesn't think he wants to fall into.

“So?" Silva asks. "Why'd you do it?”

“Killua asked me to," he says.

“Killua did?” he says, eyebrows lifting. He looks genuinely shocked. When Illumi nods he laughs, shoulders shaking. He's heard other people say that his father's laughter is frightening and even if he doesn't fear his dad as much at this age he can kind of see where they're coming. It's all teeth and probably feels out of place to see in someone so incredibly cold. Personally it always makes Illumi smile.

“Is that why she's been acting like Alluka is our child?” he asks once he finally stops laughing.

“That was what Killua asked for.”

“Well I'll be damned. I wouldn't imagine he'd actually want to do that to someone else."

“Not just mom. Milluki and Kalluto too," Illumi says, and Silva laughs again.

“That's surprisingly horrible of him."

“Isn't it?" Illumi says, smiling.

“Yes well, we both knew he had it in him.”

Illumi turns to leave then, assuming that they’re done when Silva says, “But the real question Illumi, is why you’re obeying your brother’s orders instead of using one of your needles on him. You're still stronger than him for now, how is it that Killua ended up controlling you?”

He absolutely does not think about the way Killua’s body felt, loose and warm after he came over his fingers back on Alluka’s couch. Those precious few moments where he was still sitting on Illumi’s clothed erection but arching into the movement of the hand on his cock, and neither of them had been able to pretend that Killua belonged to anyone but him when Killua had come for him so willingly.

He definitely doesn’t think about that. Because then he might start getting hard, and this really wasn’t the time for that.

“Killua and I made a deal,” Illumi says. “But I’m still in control.”

He’s not sure if his father believes him, and he’s even less sure that he hasn’t figured out everything that’s going on, but he doesn’t press the issue. When it comes to him and Killua he rarely does.

***

 

“Good evening Illumi-sama,” Canary says from her new post guarding the door to the stairs that lead up to Alluka’s room. Illumi approaches with his gift bag in hand and he waves her away with the other.

“Move.”

“I can't do that,” Canary says with a bow. “Killua-sama asked me to guard his sister and not to let anyone into her room when he isn't around. I can't allow you to be alone with her.”

“And I'm telling you to get out of my way.”

“My apologies but my job is to protect Alluka-sama—," Canary lifts her head, "and to be perfectly honest I have no reason to believe that you don't wish her harm. I cannot allow you to enter.”

“So you're not going to obey me?"

“That's correct sir. It's my job to use my discretion in moments like these and I believe that protecting Alluka-sama and obeying the heir out ways disappointing you Illumi-sama. If I failed in this duty I would be unable to call myself a Zoldyck butler.”

“Ah, I understand,” Illumi says, nodding. Her logic is sound. “Guess I'll have to kill you then.”

Canary twirls her staff once before laying it down on the floor in front of her. “I understand," she says, standing up straight. Her hands are clasped firmly behind her back. "I cannot and will not fight you. Do what you see fit.”

“I generally do.” Illumi draws his needles and Canary shuts her eyes.

A shadow slips into the space between him and and Canary and Killua’s hand clamps down on his wrist before he can throw his needles. He feels something in his hand snap under the pressure of his grip and Killua's other hand pushes Canary back away from them. She's not nearly out of Illumi's range yet but Killua squeezes his wrist harder until Illumi looks back down at him. His eyes are cold and vicious and a shroud of killing intent surrounds him.

“Killua-sama!” Canary says, but she doesn't try to move. Killua ignores her, letting his aura fill the space of the hallway and the air between them.

Years ago Illumi taught his brother how to consciously channel bloodlust into his aura. It's an intimidation technique that killers often use when trying to extort or threaten a target into obeying their will—Killua always referred to it as flipping a switch and it's always been one of Illumi's favorite assassin tools

Now, though he probably doesn't see it when he's so deep in bloodlust, Killua looks more like their dad than he ever has. Beyond the hair and the eyes and the basic genetic hand he was dealt his aura has the same weight to it. The way it breaks the air and fills it with the harsh smell of ozone that makes his skin buzz and the hair on the back of his neck stand even when there isn't any lightening yet. It’s a masterful use of the technique and a terrifying thing to behold.

But unfortunately for Killua it isn't terrifying enough.

Illumi pulls his arm out of Killua’s grip and pockets his needles, noting how intently Killua watches the movement. “Alright, alright. No need to get yourself worked up Killu.”

Warily Killua lets his aura fade and the shadows leave his face. The faint feeling of static slowly drains out of the air until it feels like it was never even there. Canary lets out a breath.

“That wasn't necessary Killua-sama,” she says.

“Shut up!" Killua yells, turning to punch her in the arm. “Don't get yourself killed for no reason! Idiot!" Somehow Killua makes his words sound warm and fond so soon after filling the room with his rage. He and Canary fall into a weirdly natural moment of bickering as Killua berates her and Illumi is stuck waiting for whatever they’re doing to end.

“Just let him through next time Canary,” Killua finally says, still glaring at her. "Then call me."

“My apologies,” Canary says. She bows again and this time steps to the side. Illumi has no doubt that she'll continue to get in his way in the future and she’s gotten so comfortable around Killua since he returned home. Illumi decides to fix that problem later.

Illumi must be more transparent than he thinks because as the door swings shut behind them Killua says, “Don't hurt Canary okay? She's doing what I asked.”

He takes Killua’s hand.

“Huh? What are you—“

The door only just swings shut before he’s tilting Killua's head back with a hand in his hair and kissing him. Killua makes an uncomfortable sound but Illumi doesn't let him back away, forgetting the passivity of their first kiss. He lets himself into Killua's mouth with his tongue and holds onto his shoulder with his free hand. His broken wrist aches from the mild exertion but Illumi’s more than happy to ignore it.

Killua tastes very faintly of something sugary that he must've eaten earlier which is how Illumi always imagined he would taste. He keeps making these soft uncomfortable sounds that Illumi is really starting to enjoy.

Blue eyes squeeze shut under his stare and Killua's fingers clutch at his chest. He keeps waiting for the novelty to wear off, or to get bored of kissing Killua but it really doesn't feel like that's going to happen.

So he lets go, admittedly a little abruptly. Killua stumbles, disoriented from the suddenness of it all. The kiss had pulled him entirely off his feet.

“Okay,” Illumi says, picking up the dropped gift bag. “I won’t hurt her.”

“Huh?” Killua blinks, staring up at Illumi like he's never seen him before. Red blossoms over his cheeks. “What the _hell_ Illu-nii?!”

"You asked me not to hurt Canary. That seemed like a fair price."

“Don’t—you can’t,” Killua starts to say. Something, possibly the hunger in Illumi’s eyes and fact that he’s talking while staring at Killua’s lips, makes him stop.

“Just…not where someone might see,” he concedes.

“Hm. Can’t make that promise,” Illumi says.

Killua sighs and starts to turn away and continue up the stairs but stops like he's forgotten something. “What's in your bag?"

"A present for Alluka." He holds up the bag and Killua looks inside, pushing the paper filler aside. He grumbles vaguely at the present but doesn’t complain so that’s probably approval from him.

"Okay, fine. You better be nice to Alluka,” Killua says. “She's family and just because you don't have a needle in your head doesn't mean you can't treat her like family too.” About half a second too late Killua seems to recognize his mistake but by then Illumi already has him by the arm and is yanking him backwards.

The steps are steep and Killua was up higher than him so he's almost level with Illumi when they kiss this time. After a moment or two of squirming in his arms Killua goes slack and lets Illumi take what he wants. Which he does.

When Illumi pulls away he's still lifting Killua up. “Okay,” he says. “Did you want anything else?”

“Just put me down already, you freak.”

***

 

Alluka is at her table when the two of them enter and she’s surrounded by crayons and colorful pieces of scrap paper. She jumps to her feet when she sees them, running forward to hug them both--Illumi first and then Killua. From his frown Illumi guesses the gesture doesn't escape Killua's notice.

“Illumi-Oniichan! Killua-Oniichan! What are you guys doing here?” she asks, taking a step back. Her eyes glow with a level of pure hearted enthusiasm that Illumi finds disturbing but acknowledges as probably cute.

"I'm here—" Illumi starts.

" _We're_ here to see you," Killua says. Alluka's practically bouncing on her feet from her excitement.

“That's so great Illumi-Oniichan!" she says, she reaches out to take Illumi's hand but stops. "Woah, what happened to your hand?”

“Oh this? Killu broke it.” Killua jabs his elbow into his ribs.

“Oniichan!”

“What? He was being mean to Canary! He's the bad guy here.”

Alluka reaches out to touch Illumi's wrist again but this time Killua pushes him out of her way.

“Anyway,” Killua says loudly. “We're here because Illu-nii wants to finally apolo—” Illumi elbows him back and Killua falls over, clutching his side.

“Alluka,” Illumi says, starting over. “I brought you a present.” Killua groans loudly while he gets back up which is really exaggerating since Illumi barely hit him.

“You didn't need to do that,” Alluka says, accepting the bag. “Getting to see you guys is already a present!”

“Then I brought you two presents,” Illumi says. Killua fakes a vomiting noise which he politely ignores. It makes Alluka smile at least and she reaches into the bag, taking out the giant stuffed frog he picked out.

“Oh wow!" Alluka says. "It looks just like you, Illumi-Oniichan!”

“Huh?” Illumi says as Killua starts laughing.

“Holy shit it totally does.”

“Does it?” Illumi takes the toy and holds it up as he looks at it. It’s got large black eyes, a flat face, and long hanging limbs. The resemblance isn't too much of a stretch. “Hm. Guess so. Do you still want it?”

“Of course!” Alluka reaches towards the frog.

“That’s good because it’s an apology present.”

“It is?”

“Yup.” Illumi holds up the frog in front of his face. “Illu-nii is sorry for trying to kill you Alluka.” He drops his arm. “Okay, here. Take it."

Alluka laughs and hugs the toy. “It’s okay, I’m not angry at him,” she tells the frog. “But Illu-nii needs to work on his frog voice, doesn’t he? He wasn't even trying.” 

"I'm not good with voices."

“Okay great,” Killua says. “If Illu-nii is done then he should probably get going. He's late for punching a puppy or stealing candy from babies or whatever.”

Illumi shrugs a shoulder. “Not unless someone pays me too. I can spare some time up here if Alluka doesn't mind.”

“No. No way—”

“Of course Illumi-Oniichan! Do you want to come draw with me?" Alluka asks.

"No he doesn't."

"Sure,” Illumi says.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to Killua-Oniichan." She takes Illumi's hand.

"Like hell," Killua says.

 ***

 

As it turns out Alluka is a decent artist. She gives Illumi some paper and they wind up splitting a box of crayons between them. Alluka's got a small table that lets her draw comfortable while she's sitting on the floor and Killua makes sure to shove himself between them when they sit down, arms crossed firmly over his chest.

Alluka is very chatty today, telling Illumi about the things she's been watching on T.V, what she and Kikyo have been up to when they talk, and how happy she is to see him, and about a thousand other things. Illumi doesn't do much but listen and nod occasionally while he draws but that seems to be more than enough for her and she keeps talking as though he were actually holding up his half of their conversation.

He does however notice the drawing she made of Canary at some point earlier and the handwritten letter in neat cursive that Killua tries very smoothly to hide. _Another thing to deal with later,_ Illumi thinks. His family really does keep him busy.

“Done!” Alluka says suddenly. Her sleeves are covering most of the picture as she tries to hide it. “How about you?

“Me too.” Illumi puts down his crayon. “What did you draw?”

“You first!”

Illumi picks up his picture. “On three?” He sees Killua roll his eyes.

“Okay.” Alluka hugs the picture to hide it from him. “One. Two. Three!” They both turn their pictures around.

It turns out they both drew Killua, though Alluka’s a lot better.

"Your picture is really good," Illumi tells her. It's Killua on his skateboard. She's pretty good at dynamic poses and she threw in lots of color and detail too. Illumi's picture is a poorly draw head in black crayon but he's very accepting of his own limitations. It's not like he's stuck in a room with nothing else to do.

"Hehe, thanks Illumi-Oniichan."

“It's really great Alluka," Killua says. "But Illu-nii sucks at drawing doesn't he?"

Alluka laughs. “Don't be mean Killua-Oniichan!”

“Yeah don't be mean Killu."

“Shut up.”

 

Alluka hugs him around the waist when the two of them leave, even dragging Killua into the hug too. Illumi isn't sure that he's ever been in a three person hug before but it isn't all that complicated. He's the tallest one there and he can lift both of them up with a firm squeeze. Even with Killua trying to get away it's pretty nice.

Killua is quiet after they leave, not saying much to Canary as they pass her. Illumi doesn't mind long awkward silences—they're actually one of his favorite things—but he gets the feeling that Killua has something to say to him.

They're passing through the dining room when Killua quietly clearly his throat.

“I haven’t seen you...” Killua's voice drifts into a vague mumbling.

“Hm?”

“You know...”

“No, I don't think I do.”

“It's just…” Killua cuts himself off with a deep breath. “Seeing you with Alluka wasn't as awful as it could've been. You're good with her.”

"Oh," Illumi says. Assuming you were like Illumi and had a near limitless amount of patience along with a high tolerance for screaming and messes it wasn't all that difficult to interact with kids. There were a lot of things he might have expected Killua to say but complimenting him on being a good brother wasn’t really one. He even looks vaguely happy.

 _Well_ , Illumi thinks, _this is as good a time as any._

“I put a needle in Alluka’s head,” Illumi says.

Killua stops and Illumi almost bumps into him. He's as rigid as a board and his fists are clenched tight at his sides.

“What did you say?”

“When the two of you were still running around. I stuck a needle in her head.”

“That's why she left...” Killua says with sudden certainty.

“Uh-huh. I convinced her that she was a burden and that you hated her. That's why she's been acting weird around you. She still thinks you hate her."

Killua grabs the chair besides him and swings it, breaking it over Illumi’s head.

“You're upset,” Illumi says.

Killua grits his teeth so hard that Illumi worries about the state of his gums. It takes him a minute but he eventually manages to slow his breathing enough to speak. “I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with myself for not expecting the type of things you'll do.”

Illumi gives him a small smile. “Yeah you really should've seen this coming.”

This time Killua tears a piece of a doorway frame off and breaks it against Illumi's face.

“Ouch,” he says.

“Take the needle out of her, you bastard!”

“Why would I do that?”

“Why would you - ? Because your apology doesn’t mean anything if you’re messing with her brain!”

“I didn’t apologize because I was sorry Killu, I apologized because you wanted it enough to kiss me.”

Killua doesn’t break anymore furniture but he does cover his face with his hands. “Whatever, I don’t need your help. I’ll get a Nen healer - “

“I’ve made some adjustments since your needle. If anyone but me tries to remove it the needle will kill her.”

“What do you want this time then?!” Killua yells. “What do you want me to give you so Alluka will stop hurting? You want to fuck me? Is that it?”

Illumi blinks. “Killua you're fourteen. You’re a little young for that.”

“But you want it, right?”

“Sure. Eventually."

“God you're the worst,” Killua says. “Fine, our original deal. You can do...that thing we did back in Alluka’s room. Again. Just get the damn needle out of her.”

***

 

It isn't significantly harder to remove the needle than it was to put it in, not for Illumi anyway, but it takes a bit more time, during which Killua stands directly over his shoulder watching everything he does. Alluka is unconscious on the couch in front of him, her head in Illumi's hands as he works and Killua uses  _gyo_ as he watches over them.

Though it doesn't need to take very long Illumi drags the process out for as long as he can before he finally removes the needle. Killua doesn't quite suppress a flinch when Illumi presents it him.

“There. All done.”

Killua moves around to take Alluka’s hand, searching her face for any signs of discomfort but she's still unconscious and breathing slowly. He shouldn't find anything wrong, when it comes to needles Illumi generally knows what he's doing.

“There are no more needles in her now right?” Killua asks, his eyes still on Alluka. The concern in his voice manages to overshadow his anger and for the moment it's like he's forgotten that Illumi is even there. He looks so upset as he squeezes Alluka's fingers.

Illumi turns Killua's face towards him with a hand under his chin. Despite his desire to he doesn't kiss him as roughly as he had earlier. By his own standards he's practically gentle, and as it turns out their fourth kiss is just as sweet as their first.

When Killua starts to pull away Illumi lets him. Killua doesn't blush this time but he frowns.

“Yes, that's right,” Illumi lies. "No more needles."

A kiss feels like a fair price for Killua’s peace of mind.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, for real this time! The next chapter is definitely (probably) the last one.

"Illumi-Oniichan!" Alluka yells, her voice full of a level of love and fondness that isn't her own. "Would you do my hair?"

They're in her room; him and Killua who stops scratching out shapes on Alluka's scrap paper at her sudden request and eyes the two of them. He looks surprised but the lack of genuine concern on his face gives him away. It's a request from Alluka, not Nanika, so he won't get anything out of it.

He's been “allowed” to visit Alluka whenever he wants these days mostly because no one can stop him if he decides he really wants to. Generally Killua's been compensating for this by making sure that there's always at least one other person in the room with him when he goes to see her. Most of the time it's Killua but occasionally it's one of the butlers that Killua trusts in disguise so that Nanika can't recognize them and make requests.

"Wouldn't you rather have Killua do your hair?" Illumi asks, for the sake of appearances. Killua nods emphatically.

"But you have long hair like I do so you know best," Alluka says.

"Ha, you're right about that one."

"Alluka..." Killua says.

"Come on Killua-Oniichan! You always do my hair."

Killua turns to him and Illumi shrugs. "I don't really care either way," he says. "But it's probably the kind of thing a family would do for each other, right?"

"...Fine.” Killua turns back to his messy crayon drawing. “Do what you want.”

Alluka's face breaks into a grin.

 

 

It occurred to him, on the night when he'd almost touched Killua in his sleep, that though he wanted his little brother to want him and to accept whatever he gave him the same didn't remotely hold true for Alluka. Where in the really, incredibly unlikely scenario that Killua had rejected him he might've been upset (which again, unlikely as he loved Killua and Killua loved him) Alluka's will didn't matter to him very much all.

Alluka would never be anything close to Killua in his mind. And that was why he didn't bother leaving the course of their relationship up to chance.

It really was much too late for Canary to get herself worked up over guarding Alluka when his second needle has been inside of Alluka since almost as soon as they arrived. The night when Killua had reacted poorly to waking up with his older brother's hand down his pants he hadn't thought twice about leaving Illumi and Alluka alone together. He'd fled and left his sister unguarded for the first and only time since he'd broken her out and since Illumi had gotten rid of Milluki’s footage of that night (after a couple of replays that he really couldn't be blamed for) there wasn't really a way for Killua to find out about the needle short of jabbing his fingers into Alluka's head and feeling around for a while.

Alluka's feet swing back and forth as Illumi brushes her hair, her new stuffed frog sitting on her lap. He can feel Killua watching the two of them but there's nothing he can do about this either. Killua is willing to believe that Alluka is so utterly kind and forgiving that not even his attempts to kill her matter in the long run. And while that might've been true if things had gone differently, Alluka really doesn't have a choice about her feelings for Illumi. With each of their interactions the needle blinds Alluka more and more to her own fear of him and amplifies the positive feelings she has for him. It's easy enough to install love into a brain and someone as simple as Alluka clearly took to these new feelings quickly, absorbing them into who she was with relative ease.

It probably helps that fear and love are basically the same thing, and that turning one into the other is only natural.

***

 

Even though he tends to forget he has it, Illumi generally keeps Killua's phone charged and on his person whenever he can. Killua had erased all of his old messages, calls, and contacts before he'd handed it over but the line was still up and there was always a chance that he might learn something from having it around. He doesn't think the chance is high and has almost forgotten the phone is even there when it vibrates in his pocket one day.

It's a text from an unknown number. Or more likely a number that used to be known but that Killua erased.

It isn't difficult to guess who the text is from. Illumi figures it out after reading it over once and considers typing several very inappropriate things in response. By a very narrow margin he decides against it. There are more things to do with leverage like this than have a few minutes of petty fun he decides, pocketing the phone. He can hold onto it for now.

***

 

They're on Alluka's couch, just him and Alluka with two of the butlers watching over them from a safe distance when Alluka suddenly asks him in a soft voice, "Oniichan, do you think Killua hates me?"

Illumi continues to brush her hair and keeps his face neutral. The needle may be gone but it's not as though Alluka can immediately forget the thoughts that used to be in her head.

"What makes you think that?" Illumi asks.

"I don't know." Alluka shrugs. "Sometimes I feel like he might be happier if he were with Gon."

"Ah, I see what you mean. They _are_ close friends. Did you know he actually went through the Testing Gate and fought Canary once to get Killua back?"

"Killua-Oniichan told me. I just thought..."

"That he probably resents you for taking him away from his best friend and forcing him to come back to the home he ran away from?

Alluka flinches. "Yes."

"That'd make a lot of sense," Illumi says, nodding to himself. "He'd probably be free it weren't for you."

"I know."

"And he did forget about you all those years."

"He said he was really sorry for leaving me all alone."

"Of course he did. But you're probably thinking that if he really loved you he wouldn't have been able to forget about you in the first place, aren't you? That he would have brought you with him when he ran away from home."

"Oh," Alluka says. "I wasn't really thinking about that."

"That's good; you shouldn't try to think about stuff like that. He might have been in a hurry. He probably didn't really stop to think about it." Illumi thinks he manages to make his laughter sound casual and dismissive instead of bitter.

It's possible but he really doubts that Killua didn't spend months, possibly even years thinking about when to run away. The fact that he waited until Illumi was off on a job was something he still thinks about from time to time. Killua was so dramatic sometimes; moving continents to get away from him.

"I wonder if he misses Gon?" Illumi muses. "Its been awhile since they last saw each other."

Alluka nods. "I think he does."

"Don't let it bother you Alluka. I'm sure he'll get over it."

Alluka is silent while Illumi finishes tying her hair into a ponytail but she seems upset, which they can't have the butlers noticing. He tapes Alluka on the shoulder.

"Can I tell you a secret Alluka?" he asks. Alluka nods. "I'm really happy you're home."

Alluka turns towards him. "You are?"

"I am. Because of you I have my family back together and I no longer need to worry about something bad happening to Killua."

A hopeful smile softens Alluka's features. "So...it was good thing?"

"Yup. Without you he might never have come home. At least that's what I think," Illumi says, ruffling her bangs. In terms of texture her hair is almost as thick as Killua's but something about the gesture still doesn't feel right. He only pats his sibling’s heads. "You're very handy."

It's as if a small light switches on behind her eyes and Illumi recognizes it as his own power feeding off of Alluka's happiness.

***

 

Killua comes to dinner later that night. Not dinner snatched from the fridge in the middle of the night when he doesn't have to interact with anyone else in the family, but dinner where he's stuck sitting next to Alluka and Kikyo while he shovels down his food. He's been doing it a lot more lately, possibly because he wants to be around Illumi more often but more likely because he's gotten tired of the effort of avoiding him. Either option is fine really.

Killua is between mouthfuls when he seems to notice Illumi has pulled out his phone and is looking through it on the other side of the table. A moment of panic crosses his face.

""Hey Killua"," Illumi reads slowly. ""Sorry it took forever for me to answer. The reception gets really bad on Whale Isl--"

Killua makes a strange high-pitched sound as he drops his fork. His chair screeches when he stands, rounding the table to get over to Illumi's side.

"Killu, we're still in the middle of dinner," Kikyo says. Killua ignores her and grabs Illumi by the arm, dragging him out of his seat. "Killua!"

"Sorry guys, I need to borrow Illu-nii," he says. Illumi lets himself be dragged out of the room, delighted at the sudden turn of events.

He manages to catch Kikyo's put-upon sigh. "Well it's nice that they're getting along."

 

Killua doesn't stop walking for a while. They're both silent as he leads them away from the dining room, and Killua doesn't let go of his arm. It takes Illumi a minute before he realizes that he's being taken down to Killua's room and he looks at him, trying to figure out what he's planning.

Killua pushes him into his room and then kicks the door shut behind them. He slows down after that, some of the panicked urgency gone from his movements and he almost seems calm as he stares up at Illumi.

"Illu-nii."

Illumi blinks at him. "Yes?"

Killua frowns before taking a slow step forward and giving him another push until the back of Illumi's knees are touching his bed.

He rather awkwardly presses down on his shoulders until Illumi gets the message and sits. And then they're back to staring.

Killua is so strange whenever Gon is involved. At least with Alluka he can almost understand it; she's incredibly powerful and he believes she's family. But acting out because of a relative stranger is so far beyond what Illumi would -

Illumi finds his thoughts cut short when Killua grabs his face and kisses him.

It's nothing more elaborate than him pressing his lips to Illumi's but it actually catches him off guard. He's so caught up in figuring out what's happening that he forgets to respond.

"Illu-nii," Killua says, when he ends the kiss. He's standing inbetween Illumi's legs and his hands are splayed lightly against his chest. He isn't quite sure how much of that is intentional but it's all very distracting. "Can I have my phone back for a minute?"

"Oh," Illumi says. Now that his brain has turned back on he can see what’s going on. "Good idea but no. We had a deal, so it's mine now."

"I..." Killua's hands tighten in his shirt. Very intentional. "I really want it."

"I'm sure you do," Illumi says, leaning back on his hands. "But that's too bad."

Killua must take his "no" to mean "try harder", which of course is exactly what it means, as he throws his arms around Illumi's neck and climbs into his lap.

Illumi is prepared for the kiss this time but he still lets Killua do what he wants with it, and he certainly doesn't disappoint. He lets his weight off his knees as he sits on Illumi's thighs. His legs stick out rather awkwardly behind Illumi's back as he figures out how to get the two of them closer together. Illumi's curious enough about how far he'll be willing go that he lets him try to take the lead in this for now, letting him kiss Illumi at his own pace and try, albeit clumsily, to figure out what turns Illumi on.

Illumi recognizes the feeling of Killua's tongue at his teeth and realizes that Killua is copying what he himself did to kiss him the last time that they were together. The press of his tongue, the slight parting of his lips, even the hand slipping around the back of his head to fist in Illumi's hair is familiar. It's always gratifying to see how well Killua employs what he teaches him, and this is no different. His technique isn't perfect but for a person who only recently started to figure out how kissing works he's doing alright.

Back when he was younger and still being trained by Illumi daily, Illumi would regularly reinforce his lessons through torture, and the thought of strapping him down and meticulously electrocuting him until he could kiss Illumi perfectly briefly crosses his mind before he pushes the thought aside. His electricity resistance was much too high these days for that to do more than spoil the mood.

And besides he's learning fast anyway. Even with Illumi not responding much to his kiss he seems to be figuring out how it feels to be on the other side of relatively aggressive kiss.

He must recognize Illumi's lack of a reaction as a challenge too because he wiggles in closer to his body, eventually figuring out it's more comfortable to cross his legs behind Illumi's back to pull them closer. Even if Illumi can act unaffected he can't hide that he's getting hard when Killua is literally pressed up against his lap. Killua shifts his weight forward to adjust his position and the movement rubs his ass over his erection. Illumi manages to hold in any noises but his body stiffens up at the sudden weight on his cock and Killua yanks at his hair to break the kiss and check his face for any reaction.

Killua's annoyance probably means that his face still isn't revealing much of anything.

This time Killua rubs his cock intentionally, grinding down in his lap. He's unsteady at first but soon he figures out a comfortable speed for himself. He keeps this up as he leans back in to kiss Illumi and Illumi stays immobile, taking everything in with detached fascination. He isn't quite ready to respond yet.

Killua's hands reach down to fumble with the hem of Illumi's shirt and he gives himself some space as if he means to actually start undressing Illumi. But he stops, after having barely moved Illumi's shirt.

He's breathing heavily, frustration clear in the stiffness of his shoulders. His face is red and his eyes are downcast. He's projecting nervous fear and embarrassment so strongly that it's almost mesmerizing.

"Dammit I don't know how to--Illu-nii please just," he swallows, fingers sliding along Illumi's shirt. "Show me what to do?"

Illumi knows what fear looks on Killua, but to someone who didn't know him like he does this open display of fear and embarrassment might seem genuine. The small way he fidgets with Illumi's shirt, the blush on his cheeks that it looks like he's trying to fight down. Even the faint touch of reluctance that's so characteristic of Killua when he's trying to hide how he feels is being skillfully used. It's all a very good act, there's nothing missing from his performance as far as Illumi can tell.

The problem is that the touch of fear he's supposedly feeling doesn't reach his aura. It's still strong and steady despite the fact that he's practically trembling in Illumi's lap; which means that he's only playing the part of the scared, naive little brother because he thinks that Illumi wants it and is turned on by his fear and submission.

Obviously he's right.

The fact that Killua has gotten to the point with him where he can fake his fear and use it should be concerning to him but mostly he's proud of him for thinking on his feet. Illumi wasn't entirely sure what he was waiting for until Killua started this but now he knows this was definitely it. He won't pretend that he doesn't want what Killua is offering.

"Of course Killu," he says. "Whatever you want."

He gets a hand around Killua's waist and drags him down across the length of his cock. The picture of meek obedience, Killua lays his forehead on Illumi's shoulder and lets him take charge. Illumi is more than ready to take on that responsibility and he rolls his hips up to meet Killua's ass as though there weren't several layers of clothing between them.

He sets an even pace with himself, probably pressing too hard into Killua's hip. He makes a small pained noise that Illumi knows is fake when his grip tightens but it still makes him shudder. He may actually come in his pants at this rate.

Killua's lips are almost touching his when in a soft whisper he says. "Give it to me Illu-nii. Please?"

The kissing was one thing but there was no way he learned how to talk like that from Illumi. Illumi's hands find their way under his shirt, desperate for the feeling of his skin but Killua suddenly shoves his hands away.

"I'm not running a charity here," Killua says, breaking character. "Are you gonna give me the phone or what?"

Illumi doesn't really care anymore if Killua is being obvious about the game they're playing as long as it doesn’t stop. "Okay."

Killua searches his face. "Yeah?"

Illumi pulls Killua forward, sliding his hands up the back of his shirt. "Yeah," he says. Killua sinks into his hold, playing along and going loose in his arms and Illumi lets himself get acquainted with the feeling of his skin, stroking along the muscles there.

He lays a series of kisses along Killua's neck and his jaw and to his surprise he tilts his head to give Illumi better access. Illumi takes up the offer, kissing his way to Killua’s face and finding himself breathing way too hard. But Killua’s lips are practically touching his already and he can’t exactly refuse an offer that tempting.

Instead of making Illumi force him into their next kiss, Killua follows his lead. A low moan escapes him when he gets Killua moving, rocking against him.

Killua lets him use his body in this way, keeping his face pressed against Illumi's shoulder as he rubs his body down onto his cock. He stays quiet, but his hands clench around the collar of Illumi shirt when the grip on his thighs and his waist becomes uncomfortable. And when Illumi comes, panting into their kiss, and the confined length of his cock under his ass, Illumi can see that his eyes are closed.

***

 

Later, he considers the fact that Killua wasn't hard during anything they did but finds that after watching his brother willingly debase himself for Illumi's sexual pleasure he isn't too upset about that.

***

 

Illumi is still coming down from his orgasm when he feels Killua shifting uncomfortably in his lap. It turns out that he's trying to peel Illumi's fingers off from the death grip they have on him. Illumi doesn't really want to let go yet but he figures his touch is probably painful at this point. He compromises instead, loosening his grip but slipping his fingers down into Killua's pants enough to tug them down low on his hips.

"H-hey!"

"Hm?" Illumi smoothes his fingers over the bruised skin on his waist and hips. Killua heals fast but the dark purple marks should still be visible on his skin for a while.

Killua grunts and then Illumi feels his hand reaching down into his pants, groping around.

For his cellphone. Killua lets him keep touching him while he types out something on his phone. It must be a lot from how long Killua takes to write it. When he's done he shoves the phone back into Illumi's pocket.

"Illu-nii," he says firmly.

Illumi sighs and forces himself to look away from pale bruised skin and meet Killua's glare. "Okay Killu, don't pout." He’s done anyway.

Maybe not done. Sated might be more accurate. Killua does still owe him one.

He let's go and Killua pulls his pants back into place with a huff.

"Later Illu-nii," he says, hopping off his lap.

"Later," Illumi says.

***

 

"Oniichan, how come you still live at home?” Alluka asks

Illumi takes his time getting the bow at the bottom of her first pig-tail just right as he mules it over. “I belong here,” he finally says. “Where else would I go?”

“I don't know. But you can leave if you want to. And Killua-Oniichan always used to talk about going on adventures and seeing other places.”

“Killua is complicated.” He chooses to ignoring it when Alluka turns sideways so she can play with the ends of his hair “He thinks he wants to be free to run around with his friends but he really doesn't. One of these days he'll realize that what he really wants is to be at home with us. Once he realizes that he won't be upset anymore."

"He won't?”

"That's right. Killua is very good at lying to himself but he'll come around.

"But what about you Oniichan?” Alluka asks. “You never want to leave home?"

"Adventuring isn't really my thing. I leave for work and other things but everything I love is here.”

“Like Killua-Oniichan?”

“Like Killua,” Illumi agrees. “And Mom and Dad. And Milluki and Kalluto."

“Yeah,” Alluka says, “I love them too.”

Considering how little confidence Illumi has in Alluka being a cognizant entity she's apparently smart enough not to try and ask if Illumi loves her too.

 _Treat her like family,_ Killua had said to him, and even when he didn't think there was much to Alluka it was difficult to say he didn't see her as something in need of his guidance at least. Luckily for Illumi treating her like family and manipulating every aspect of her life weren't mutually exclusive.

And he could admit that Alluka had vaguely grown on him over the past few months. He can almost find it in himself to pity her these days. Clearly she clung to Killua and had allowed only him to demands things from her because she'd grown up as this strange isolated creature and had latched onto the attention of someone as marvelous as Killua. Killua was good at handling his family for all his insistence that he didn't want to be heir. He could berate Milluki into action with ease, and despite his efforts to the contrary, he had a savage streak that certainly made their mom happy. And Alluka was pathetic and attention starved enough to want to do everything in her power to keep his love.

Illumi drops the braid in his hand. "Fuck.”

“What’s wrong Illumi?”

“Nothing. I just realized that you and I have a lot in common."

Alluka lets out a delighted laugh. "Really?"

"Probably more than you have in common with Killua at least. Does that make you happy?”

“A little,” she admits. She's still playing with a bit of Illumi’s hair, running her fingers through it. Illumi holds the bottom of the loose braid and stares at the back of Alluka’s head.

Only it’s not the back of Alluka’s head anymore.

He casts a quick glance over in the butler's direction, but they seem focused on their own quiet conversation so he leans forward enough to speak in a low whisper.

“Nanika,” he says, “Give me a ribbon.”

There's a long pause while the two of them sit in silence. He can't see her face but he can feel something massive shifting between in this brief moment. There’s this tingling excitement laying under the surface of his skin that feels so different from the feeling of Killua asking for him to use his needles but somehow the same because Illumi already knows how the next few moments are going to unfold and he knows that he’s won.

"Kay," Nanika says.

There's a small flash of light and then Nanika reaches over and drops a long pink ribbon into Illumi’s hand.

“Thank you Nanika, that made me very happy,” Illumi says. One of them, probably still Nanika, laughs.

“Maybe it's not bad if I have to stay here forever," she says. "The things I love are here too."

“Uh-huh that's very nice,” Illumi says, not bothering to listen. “Keep your head still so I can finish this braid.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we finally are! Thanks to all you awesome people who followed this fucked up little mess of mine and left comments/kudos up to this point. I'm not great at consistent updates so thanks also for being patient with me. I hope you've enjoyed reading this weird adventure as much as I've enjoyed writing it <3

There's a small squared off section of the house that was built before their grandfather was born and is situated above a very specific prison cell. For the most part it's relatively standard but anyone who knows their dungeons would realize that it's the only one that has a window. Outside of it is a square garden that Tsubone maintains and a small pond. Nothing in the garden is poisoned and the fish aren't deadly - it's just a garden.

Around noon when the sun is at its highest, natural light pours into the cell through the thin window for around an hour or two. The rest of the time the view is still there and is probably very relaxing assuming you’re nimble enough to climb up and peak through the bars

It's an unusual form of torture in and of itself because prisoners tend to love it. It lets them believe that despite the agonies they're suffering at Illumi's hands there's still some modicum of hope that's so close to their reach if they can only hold onto their lives long enough to escape.

Illumi is very good at keeping people alive when he tortures them but it's fascinating to watch other people do the work for him just because they have a nice view. Escaping from the Zoldycks is impossible. They've got nothing more than luxury seats to their eventual and most likely very gruesome deaths.

Since they haven't used the cell below it in some time the garden had gone unused for years. At least until Killua realized that the wish that forced Alluka to stay at home for the rest of her life didn't stop her from walking around in the outdoor garden.

Illumi stirs his tea and watches as Killua and Alluka sit by the edge of the artificial pond, pointing out the fish beneath its surface. He can see them clearly from his spot by the second floor window so he lets them enjoy pretending that he isn't there.

"You know, we’ll need to catch Killu up on his training before he gets too rusty," Kikyo says mildly. She's sitting across the table from him, taking a delicate bite of her cake.

Illumi nods but doesn't turn to face her. There's this tightness in Killua's shoulders that makes it obvious that he knows the two of them are under observation but he seems comfortable enough to keep playing with his sister. He's been hyper aware of Illumi's presence lately and he's knows it's because he's waiting for Illumi to make a move. Which he won't. He likes keeping Killua on his toes.

Plus he doesn't really have any particular plans for the next time he has Killua all to himself. Though he did offer it, Illumi isn't sure he wants to fuck him any time soon. At his size his enjoyment of it would be tenuous at best.

Illumi rests his chin on his hand. If he waits a few years he can probably get Killua to fuck _him_. That's an exciting thought. He’ll need Illumi’s direction of course, but he learns so fast that with his big brother’s guidance he’ll do just fine. Illumi can guide his hands every step of the way. Apart from nen Illumi taught him everything he knows so it'd make sense for him to learn about this from his brother too. And thanks to Alluka, he's got all the time in the world to teach Killua how to pleasure him.

The fact that he was going to fuck Killua was a certainty but he wasn't picky about when it happened.

Down below he sees Killua flinch. Illumi isn't sure what his expression looks like but from the way he grabs Alluka's hand and takes the two of them back inside the house it must have been very revealing.

"Sweetie, you're stabbing a hole in the table," Kikyo says, giving him a pat on the arm.

"Hm?" Illumi's fork had gone through his cake, his plate and about half an inch of the wooden table without him noticing. "Oh sorry."

***

 

It's the middle of the night when he wakes up, feeling the presence someone behind him. He's never encountered anyone stupid or brave enough to try and kill in his sleep but there's always a first time for everything. Illumi rolls over, curious about who would actually be willing to slip into his room at night.

It's Killua, sitting there on the edge of his bed.

He's silent as he stares down at him and Illumi vaguely considers the possibility that he actually _is_ there to kill him. But no, that's unlikely.

"Careful Killu," Illumi says, sitting up. "You're picking up my bad habits."

“I don't want to drag this out anymore.”

"That's too bad. I liked dragging this out."

"You're the one wanted me to come to you, aren't you?" Killua continues. "You wouldn't stop staring at me earlier."

"I always stare at you."

"Well you were being creepy and obvious about it. I could feel your...you know your gross feelings from outside."

He'd been broadcasting his lust. "Fair point."

"If you're gonna be such a freak try not to do it front of the family. I don't exact want anyone finding out about this."

"It might be a bit late for that," Illumi says. "It's hasn't been a secret for a while."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Let's see." Illumi switches on the bedside light and plops down next to him on the bed. "Dad knows you're doing something to get me to help you and he gets me pretty well. So I figure it didn't take him long to put two-and-two together."

"Dad _knows_?"

"As far as I can tell."

"Fuck."

"Milluki too. He checks out the security footage regularly."

"What the hell?! Anyone else know?"

"Hm." Illumi scratches his head. "I felt one of the butlers watching back when you first kissed me and Mom has been putting cameras on all of them recently. So between that and this afternoon she probably gets it. And there's basically nothing that Mom knows that Kalluto doesn't. He's quite the snoop; definitely one of his better qualities."

"Oh my god." He shoves one of Illumi's pillows into his face.

"Ah! I don't think Zeno knows. So that's at least one person. And Alluka as far I can tell."

"You're lying."

"I'm really not."

"Someone would've done something."

"That's what I thought at first. But you know what Dad said when I admitted to putting a needle in Mom's head? 'If she couldn't stop it from happening, she probably deserved it.' This really isn't all too different from my needles. I mean it's more fun but - "

"No one is going to do anything," Killua says.

"Probably not." He nudges Killua's shoulder. "Isn't that great?"

"No one cares?"

"Everyone cares about you Killu. But you do what you want and we've all got to live with the choices we've made. Besides I think Dad is proud of you for finding a way to get me to do what you want."

"Fuck, can we stop talking about this?"

"That's fine with me," Illumi says.

So they sit like that, Killua hugging his pillow and Illumi watching Killua hug his pillow. Coming down to Illumi's room seems like the extent of his participation tonight but that doesn't bother him. As long as he can have Killua it's all the same.

"I think I might blow you," he says aloud. "Would you like that?"

Killua turns to him, frowning. "What, you're asking permission now? Does it matter what I want?"

"No," Illumi says automatically. "Wait sorry, that was a reflex. Yes, of course it matters. We wouldn't be doing this if you didn't want to."

An expression crosses Killua's face too quickly for Illumi to register and is gone before either of them can acknowledge it, buried under a more neutral expression. "But why would you _want_ to do that?"

"What do you mean?" Illumi takes the pillow from him, pushing it out of their way. Killua backs himself further onto the bed.

"I don't know it seems gross if you're the person doing it."

"That's a very 14-year-old way to think about." Illumi reaches down to grab his shorts, tugging at them.

"Well it does. And I _am_ 14, dumbass," Killua mutters. He shifts uncomfortably as his shorts are pulled off, trying to hold onto his boxers.

"I don't usually do this but I don't mind. Not for you anyway." Killua's shirts comes off easily since his hands are busy with his boxers. Illumi tosses it aside. "I appreciate the consideration."

"I'm not being considerate I just don't get you and - hold on damn it! Why do you need me naked for this?"

"I don't need you naked I want you naked." The last bit of clothing separating Killua from him is curled under his hand. With how much Killua has backed away from him he'll be close to falling off the other side of the bed soon.

"Fine, shit. I'll do it myself so let go."

Illumi sits back and watches Killua awkwardly shimmy out of his boxers. He does it quickly but tries to keep his legs his between the two of them to offer himself some sense of modesty. After that he pulls his knees up to his chest.

He's taller than he was when he left two years earlier but still small enough that the hand Illumi places on his knee nearly wraps around it. A part of him would like Killua to stay smaller than him forever.

"I _can_ suck your dick in that position but it'd be easier if you'd relax," he says. Killua doesn't relax at all but he stops trying to clench his thighs together which is something.

"You sound weird when you curse," Killua says. He's not watching as Illumi spreads his legs open but Illumi isn't exactly looking at him either. He's staring down at his cock, still soft and pink, now that he's got him in better lighting. There's no particular reason he should be surprised to see fine white hair there as well but it's an unusual effect. Illumi’s never let himself sleep with a white haired person in the past and he's glad for that now since a Killua substitute wouldn't have been as good.

"Cute," he says, not sure how to stop staring. He's got a cheek against Killua's knee, perched there so he can take everything in.

"Can you get this over with?"

That might not be a bad idea. He's growing hard enough that he probably won't be able to make fun of Hisoka ever again but he can't help it. It's Killua's first blow job. It's romantic.

Killua is up on his elbows, staring down at him impatiently and Illumi takes that opportunity to push him flat on the bed and settle himself between his legs.

Killua doesn't so much as blink when Illumi takes his cock in a light grip. He observes Killua's complete lack of a reaction as he acquaints himself with his length, stroking him with a gentle touch. Killua remains outwardly unresponsive as he presses a kiss to the side of his cock and licks a slow line up to the head. Its slow work getting him hard between his loose grip and the gentle work of his tongue but it gives Illumi the time to memorize the taste of him and stretch this out longer than he has their previous times together.

Eventually he moves to slip Killua’s cock into his mouth and closes his eyes when precome coats his tongue. Killua makes a soft sound but after that is completely silent again. Illumi has watched him endure knives and electrocution without batting an eye so hearing him react in pleasure is gratifying. He'll get him more vocal later but for now it’s enough at least to feel the racing pulse under his tongue.

Illumi gives himself a moment to reach down and grope himself through his pants before he turns his attention back to Killua. He's hard, achingly so, but as hard as he is he can wait. He doesn't want to miss anything.

When Illumi’s tongue reaches the skin under his balls Killua jumps, grabbing onto his hair to hold him at bay. Illumi shushes him and rubs a soothing hand up his thigh.

“I already said I wouldn’t fuck you."

"That felt weird."

"I know. Relax.”

"Not haaa-happening." His words slur as Illumi sucks slowly at his balls.

He hums thoughtfully, switching back to stroking him. "That'll make this next bit a little tough. Don't move Killu, I need to find something."

"Wha - " Illumi is back between his legs in a flash, a bottle in one hand. "What the hell is that?"

"Lube! Great for prostate stimulation."

"What does that mean?"

Illumi spreads the cool liquid over his fingers, letting his body heat warm it. "Means my fingers are going in your ass."

He catches Killua by the ankle as he tries to scramble away. "Don't panic. It'll feel good."

Killua yanks his ankle. "Why would that feel good?!"

"You ask a lot of questions." He drags Killua back until he's between his legs again. “Loosen up your body a little bit. It'll feel better that way I promise.”

Illumi takes his time reaching between his legs, letting Killua see where his fingers are going but he still jolts at the contact. He takes a minute to rub slowly over his hole, letting the lube warm further but Killua stays tense and unresponsive.

“What's wrong? You were so calm and in control last time." He twitches under Illumi's fingers. "Alright Killu. I'll help you out. Look at me."

It takes a while before Killua can follow the order.

" _Relax_ ," he says with intent.

Killua's eyes glaze over as his body goes slack independent of will. If he really wanted to fight the command he could but it's in his best interest to let Illumi take over. He eases off once he's gotten a slick finger into his body and it seems like Killua can control himself.

“Does it hurt?” Illumi asks when he gets a second finger into him.

“Nnn. No.”

“How about now?”

“I already told you it - _ahh_!” Killua cries out when Illumi curls his fingers, his thighs hit Illumi's shoulders as he tries to close his legs. Illumi shifts down to take his cock in his mouth. He doesn't make much noise after his initial outburst but the wetness of precome seeping onto Illumi’s tongue is proof enough that it feels good for him.

“This is fun,” Illumi declares, the next time he lets Killua’s cock out of his mouth. “I like doing this with you.”

Killua takes several slow breaths. “Gee great f-fuck! Illu-nii!” Illumi smiles up at him, relaxing his fingers so he’s no longer rubbing up inside Killua.

“Yes?”

“Screw you. You're waiting for me to - _nahh_!” Killua slaps a hand over his mouth but his muffled whines are still audible.

“Yup. You're right.” He sucks along the side of Killua’s cock and rubs his fingers inside him until Killua shakes and scratches as at his scalp.

Just once Killua losses himself and cants his hip up into Illumi's mouth but he pulls back when he realizes he's done it. Illumi enjoys the enthusiasm of the gesture but he doesn't repeat it. Killua  _does_ tighten his grip on his hair, not pushing him down but holding on for dear life like Illumi is his anchor. Illumi strokes his fingers inside him the way he'd done earlier but that only gets Killua to pant more and try to squirm away from the hold he has on his thigh.

"What...the fuck." Killua's voice is strained and breathless. Illumi hums in response, mouth still around his cock. He gets an encouraging jolt from that.

When Killua's breathes become shuddered gasps he finally pulls back to see him face. He instantly regrets it. It's a beautiful sight; Killua is flushed and trembling beneath him. His attempt to glare at Illumi is halfhearted at best when he's expending most of his effort in trying to control himself. The hand that isn't tangled in Illumi's hair is pressed over his mouth to keep any unwanted moans from escaping. His chest heaves as he pants.

Illumi is momentarily paralyzed by the sheer scope of his desire and with how much Killua has given him.

Opening him up like this might have been a mistake because now Killua is laying there in his bed, spread open and loose and he wants to fuck him like this now that it’d be so easy. All he'd have to do is pull his fingers free and slide his cock in and he could _have_ Killua, right then and there. He'd offered it up to Illumi so easily without him even asking for it. It's so difficult now to remember why he decided against it.

He pushes his hair out of his face with a sigh and shoves his fingers in again. He always wants more of Killua, doesn't think it'll ever really be enough when Killua makes him so greedy. As long as there is more to have there's more that Illumi wants, even when he's already made plans. Fucking him would be nice but he knows it wouldn't be enough either in the long run. He really has no idea what would be enough.

Killua's legs tighten up around his shoulders and he realizes he must be getting close to coming. He sees Killua's arm move to cover his face and moves quickly, pinning it over his head so he can watch.

He keeps up the thrust of his fingers, trying to soak up everything. The wet sounds of him fucking Killua with his fingers, the heat of his body under Illumi's. Even if Killua is keeping himself mostly still, he can't seem to help the quiet noises he's making now.

Killua bites his lips when he comes but the slow moan that escapes him is music to Illumi's ears.

“That was amazing Killu. Thank you,” he says, kissing lightly down. He removes his fingers carefully and makes his way down from his collar bone to one nipple, lapping at it with his tongue. It hardens under his attention and he gets a whispered _fuck_ from above him.

His orgasm takes the strength from his limbs but when Illumi kisses him he gets the faint pressure of tired lips against his own. He doesn't complain about the bitter taste on Illumi's tongue.

He's been so focus on Killua that he hasn't bothered to undress yet. He's still braced over Killua's body and he takes one of his hand and presses it against the bulge in his pants. It takes Killua a while before he stops staring in mild discomfort and seems to get the message.

He's...awkward. That's probably the right word. Killua is trying to touch him as little as possible as he gets his pants open and that really isn't going to work.

He pulls away entirely once he's pushed Illumi's pants down enough to free his cock. He takes Killua's hand in his own and wraps it lightly around his cock so that his request is unmistakable.

Killua looks down at where his hand is wrapped around him, back up to eyes and then down again. He gives Illumi a slow, tentative stroke and Illumi gives him an approving hum in return.

It's a little sloppy and uncoordinated at first and once or twice Illumi has to reach down to guide his hand and move it the way he likes. Showing him how to turn his wrists and where Illumi likes it a little tighter. As usual Killua is a quick study and soon enough he's jerking Illumi off in quick tight strokes that make his knees weak and his fingers tighten in the sheets over Killua’s head.

“I love you Killu." He reaches down to cradle Killua's cheek in his hand. “Killu. I love you," he says again. He can feel his orgasm approaching. 

But Killua is turned away, keeping his eyes closed like he doesn't want to watch Illumi come. 

Illumi brushes a thumb under his eye. It's cute that Killua can still be shy about the things they do together. But -

"You know what was fun?" Illumi asks. "When you were still learning how to stay awake for more than a week straight and I had to pin your eyes open."

He isn't sure if it's the way KIllua tugs suddenly at his cock in alarm or the open display of fear as he finally meets Illumi's stare but he comes hard either way.

 ***

 

He cleans Killua up and carefully pulls one of his own shirts over him. With the help of a little suggestive hypnosis Killua falls asleep soon after that. They're laying on their sides facing on another, the blankets all beneath them completely forgot. It’s still late and having recently learned to enjoy simple, intimate contact more he tries not to bother Killua.

Still, Killua doesn't look entirely asleep with the way he has a handful of Illumi's hair wrapped around his tight fist. Thanks to the hypnosis however he's unable to wake himself up for a few hours but he does mumble something incoherent when Illumi touches his face. He goes quiet again as Illumi begins to pets him, unable to force himself conscious. 

It does eventually wear off and Killua slowly opens his eyes. He blinks at Illumi but he doesn't say anything sarcastic or try to distance himself from what they’ve done. He stays there under Illumi's hand and watches him back.

"Illu-nii..."he says. There's vulnerability in his voice that doesn't feel like an act. "What if we didn't do this anymore?"

Illumi lets his hand slid along his jaw, brushing past his ear. "Why would we stop?"

His fingers are still wrapped up in Illumi's hair. For a moment the room is still soft and quiet, the entire universe condensed down into the space they occupy and then, in a soft voice Killua says, "because I hate letting you do this to me."

The movement of Illumi's hand slows to a stop with him hovering over the exposed skin of his throat.

***

 

Illumi feels the pull of something unpleasant that he hasn’t felt since Killua entered his life, white haired and crying and destroying everything that he'd once been. It's a feeling he'd completely forgotten when he realized that his little brother loved him and washis responsibility, his student and his charge and the only person who was ever going to matter to him. And that for all his strength and the power his nen gave him he was ultimately insignificant next to the person he loved.

There was little worth remembering before Killua's love. Nothing but the feeling of an endless void without even the knowledge that he would one day have a Killua to fill it.

"Illu-nii?"

***

 

"Illu-nii?" Killua says again and he remembers that he isn't in fact 12 and alone, he's 26 and in bed with his hands wrapped around Killua's skull like he might slip through his fingers at any moment.

Killua.

Killua who didn't -

Killua lays a hand on top of his gently, a silent plea for him to let go but he can't so much as loosen his grip.

"I don't...I don't hate this," Killua says with a forced laugh, and now the act is back in place, now he's trying to hide his very real fear under another mask for Illumi. "I was just joking, you know that right?"

Of course he does. He gets it. He's laughing now.

“Yes, of course you're joking!” Illumi pulls both of them up onto their knees, close enough together that he can feel Killua's panicked breaths on his skin. “Well!" he says. brightly. "Hypothetically it'd hurt my feelings for you to say something like that.” A faint spark of lightning runs up his forearm. “But if you didn't want this then I guess we'd have to stop. Though in that case I'd have to get those needles out of Mom, Milluki and Kalluto. And I'd have no reason not to kill Alluka and Canary right in front of you. So I guess it's a good think you're kidding!”

Something in Killua goes cold at the sound of Alluka's name. "Let go Illumi."

His voice reminds Illumi of the one he'd used the last time he'd gotten him off. But of course it's nothing more than him reaching for the faint glimpse of control he's had over Illumi for the past few months. The one that let him believe that he had any kind of leverage that Illumi hadn't all but personally handed him gift-wrapped by his love.

"How sweet." Illumi's hands tighten "You must love her so much to 'let me do this to you.' What a good big brother you are. Always thinking about your little sister, your best friend, anyone but yourself."

"I said let - "

Killua stops, his eyes on the needle that's now in Illumi's right hand.

The pit in his chest hurts too much for him to laugh again but he manages a smile when he sees the color drain from Killua's face.

“You're not putting another needle in me!" Illumi is aware of the lightning moving through his body in the same way that he's aware of Killua's claws piercing his forearm and the splattering of blood on his sheets - which is to say he barely notices it.

“Oh Killu, I thought you'd come around. You learned didn't you? My needles are the best way to fix things around here. I know what's best for our family. It's my job.”

"Bullshit!"

Illumi fists his hand in Killua's hair with a sigh. "I don't blame you. This is my fault. I thought if I let you think for yourself you'd eventually make the right decisions but that was naive of me." He slides one finger down Killua's forehead to the place where the needle will go. "We both know you were happier when you obeyed me."

Another bolt of lightning runs through him unnoticed. "Fuck Illumi, don't you dare!"

"It's okay. The burden of freewill was too much for you. I won't make you one of my needlemen but maybe something more permanent is called for. Can you feel that?"

Killua has difficulty looking at the needle because Illumi refuses to let go but that doesn't matter. He can feel the intent pouring from the bit of metal as though he were yelling the needle's purpose aloud. Killua stops moving as he takes Illumi's aura in. The intent in it is poisonous and merciless, meant to devour every unwanted thing from Killua's mind by suffocating it beneath a layer of nothing but his love.

It's all of his current emotions, everything he feels for Killua, condensed down into the space of a needle.

Illumi wasn't lying; the needle won’t make his brother one of his needlemen. But with how thoroughly it will infect his brain Killua will probably wish it had.

The needle touches the place between Killua’s eyes and he holds it in place with his thumb.

“Illu-nii wait!" Illumi notices the switch but doesn't take much pleasure in it. "Didn't you say you wouldn't use another needle on me?! Remember?"

"Yes I remember. But you know it's funny Killu, there's really nothing you could give me that doesn't already belong to me, or anything I couldn't do to you without asking or negotiating.”

The tip of the needle draws a fine line of blood down his face and Killua grabs his wrists, trying to pull himself out of Illumi’s grasp like a frightened animal. Illumi doesn't budge.

"No! Illu-nii don't!"

Illumi pauses.

"No?"

"Please - "

"Shh." Killua stares at him, eyes wide. "You don't want this?"

Killua looks from the needle to Illumi's face. He can tell Killua is waiting for the trap in his words but it's not like he can get out of its way.

"I don't want it," Killua confirms.

"Hm, interesting. How about this then Killu," he says slowly. "You and I can make a deal."

Killua lets go of his arm. His shaking hands are coated in Illumi's blood. "What do you want?"

"It's not about what I want, it's about what you want. You see, you're going to let me put this needle inside of you -"

"No - "

"And in return I'll remove the one in Alluka."

Killua goes still.

"What did you say?"

"I'll remove Alluka's needle."

Killua tries to shake his head. "No, you already got rid of it. I saw you do it."

"I got rid of one of them, yes."

Understanding dawns slowly over Killua face. Tears gather at the corner of his eyes. "You son of a _bitch_."

Illumi's smile grows. "I'll even sweeten the deal. Not only will I remove the needle, I'll stay away from Alluka. I won't go near her ever again."

"I don't - "

"Of course if we leave the needle inside her for too long then it won't matter that its been removed. She'll start to love me more and more until she probably loves me more than you. And then taking the needle out won't really do anything."

The dark purple of his aura is so potent that Illumi can hear the paint on the walls cracking beneath it. "This needle isn't all that different from the one in Alluka. You might not have as much freewill as her but apart from that it'll be the same. One little push and you'll be free from the distractions of choice and autonomy. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Alluka will be safe and you'll get an entire life with nothing but fear and love - "

“Don't do it."

The needle wavers in Illumi's hold as he stops to look his brother in the eyes.

"What was that? I don't think I heard you."

Killua's voice is shaking so much he can barely get the words out. "Don't put that needle in me. Please."

"You don't want to sacrifice yourself to save Alluka? I'll be true to my word this time if that's what's holding you back."

The silence between them is long and he almost doesn't catch Killua's soft reply.

"...No."

He watches a tear make its way down Killua's cheek and finds that he doesn't yet have it in him to enjoy his pain. He pulls away the needle.

“Poor Alluka,” he says. "Her big brother is abandoning her." 

Illumi readies himself to step away but something holds him back. This small moment of cruelty didn’t do anything for him.

This isn't over, he realizes.

He stills feels that hunger that Killua so often stirs in him when he denies him something and, paradoxically, when he gives him what he wants. And it's only getting worse now that he's set himself up for rejection and all but forced Killua to shy away from his love. That hollow feeling in his chest is growing large enough that it might very well consume them both unless he fixes it.

"What do I get for letting you off the hook?" he asks gently. 

Killua is rubbing angrily at his eyes, trying to hide his tears. "If you want me to jerk you off again just say it."

"You know that's not what I want."

"No I don't, you bastard. Just tell me what it is."

A very violent and very unacceptable thought worms its way into the front of his mind riding a cold wave of bloodlust – genuine bloodlust – the likes of which he’s never directed at Killua before. It’s as though Killua has torn his claws through his chest and ripped out everything that was there. And now all that’s left is a hole shaped like his love and his greed that makes him laugh hysterically while Killua watches on in horror.

He lets go, switching instead to running his fingers through Killua’s hair in a deceptively gentle gesture.

Maybe he was wrong in the end. Maybe the last 14 years of his life have been absolutely meaningless.

"There's only one thing I want Killu," he says sweetly. With sudden certainty he knows that this feeling is going to kill both of them and finds that he’s frightened of it. Frightened of this black pit that must be where a soul would be in an ordinary person.

"There's only one thing I've ever wanted," he says, quieter now.

Killua shudders – and then there it is.

“I...I love you Illu-nii."

Everything in Illumi's head vanishes, his bloodlust, his aura, all of it gone at those simple words.

"You love me?" Illumi repeats.

Killua nods, keeping his voice as steady as he can. "Y-yeah. Yes. I just get scared sometimes so it's hard to say it. You don't need to use your needle on me." He's still rubbing his face but the tears don't stop.

"I love you,” he says again.

Illumi closes his eyes, trying to slow the flood of emotion in his veins. That foreign fear that’d filled him, and the black thing in his chest both fade so quickly from his mind that even the memory of them becomes distant and dream like. Whatever emotion was building up inside of him vanishes as he watches Killua crying in his hands. The way life returns to his body he might as well have been a corpse.

Illumi tosses the needle aside. "Of course you love me! Why wouldn’t you?”

Everything was fine. Killua would never pretend to love him or want him to keep up pretenses; he was lashing out with the thoughtlessness of a child who didn't understand that the world revolved around everything he said. Illumi was an idiot to ever doubt him.

Hisoka was always telling him how unnatural honesty was for Transmuters and he was right. It had to be ripped out of him, forced out into the light of day where the two of them could finally share in it. Even if it was obvious.

He loves Killua, and Killua loves him.

Killua let's himself be pulled into Illumi's embrace and then hugs him back much too tightly. He buries his face in Illumi's chest but that doesn't completely muffle the sound of his sobbing. Between the warm feeling in Illumi's body and the way Killua fits so comfortably against him this might be the happiest he's ever been.

“See?” Illumi says. “Look how good you are at manipulating me.”


End file.
